Ch4:Pg1:NYE

Party Poppin. Champagn Drinkin. Nuff said. Welcome, 2013. Let's do it.

Ch3:HolidayEnd: Poisons & Wines

Have I used that title before? I think I have. The song poison and wine by The Civil Wars is on repeat mixed in with some Sigur Ros and I'm getting ready for the drive back to my other home with the kitty. I did some P90X2 yoga today which makes me feel strong and centered both in body and in spirit:::My winter break came to an end today when I had to hug my fam and drive up the familiar roads to Midland, Michigan. Today Midland and my apartment more specifically felt a little more like home base than it did. I think it's similar to what I mentioned before about Holland, Michigan. When you're away from somewhere for a little while, you may not actively think about missing that location but once you're back there's a relieving feeling and that sense of home that overcomes you. I had to unload my car and finally got to go through the things I got for Christmas! I'm pumped with a couple different rearrangements in my apartment, I need to get more records for my new record player and I've got like eight candles burning at the moment. It's freezing outside but it's cozy here. I played pandora and the station fit my mindset perfectly. Tomorrow we're going on to a new chapter both in internship and in time. Tomorrow is the last day of 2012, day 2 of the training program and day 1 of the staff relief rotation. I think there are many people I know who are ready for 2012 to be over and I do agree with them but just because it's 2013 doesn't really change much. I'll still be working on myself, continuing my internship, becoming more of a person each day, and well I'll still be living. I want to write more to you, readers, but I'm distracted watching season one of Big Bang Theory. Until next time, right here in my mindset is where I want to stay. Please take care as you start a new year with whomever you're toasting with. Smooches, J

Ch3:Holiday8: FruityTooty

It's coming to a close much too quickly. The Christmas decorations are all packed away into our crawl space and the house has been cleaned, dusted and swept of all things Christmas...including dust. It looks like a sunny day outside and I'm waiting for Andrea to get her butt out of bed to come hang out with me! When I start thinking about my friends and who I'm closest with I always remind myself that her and I have been friends since Kindergarten. That's a long time! Many friends from high school have all gone their separate ways, friends I've met at CMU have stayed or gone away and I've made new friends through the internship. I am going to start that list of possible moving locations once I get back to Midland and I'm sure I'll meet more people wherever I go next. My point? Don't have one. I'm just thinking about friends and my love of having them. I also enjoy being alone too as much as I get lonely sometimes. I think I'm a mix of extroverted and introverted. IDK. All I do know is that I don't want to drive back just yet but at least I get New Years Day off and I only work till 4 on New Year's Eve. Let's hope all of the Christmas goodies haven't turned my nutrition brain to mush. The picture I am attaching to this blog today makes me happy. I like looking at myself just standing in front of my apartment and I remember how I felt that day. Strong, independent, healed and ready for new beginnings. A lot of things have happened in 2012 some really great and some really awful, others happened for the right reasons while some happened for reasons I still can't explain. Honestly? Maybe I do believe everything happens for a reason, maybe I don't. I don't think the reasons are clear until you're looking back on them from far far away. All I want is for my heart to stay full of the love I have given and held for myself, my brain to stay sharp and ready for challenging situations, my body to be my greatest ally as I train for the half marathon, my spirit to stay bright and my breath to keep steady. I may sound greedy and I may sound like I want all of these things...but if you dont' want them for yourself, you can't expect someone else to want them either. Classy and sassy, J.

Ch3:Holiday7:Short&Sweet

Friday? FRIDAY? Really? Aw man I don't want to go back to Midland just yet. However, Sunday is coming too which means half marathon official training begins! YAY. I got much needed new running shoes that happened to look awesome and are the best for my feet. Kelsey and I dropped Kenzie & Hunter off at the airport then headed to the GR gazelle store where Kelsey is pretty well known and I am stoked about my new shoes (there's that word stoked again). We then picked up Dan and Caitlin Cheevers and enjoyed some delicious sandwiches at the Cherry Street Deli, watched some funny videos, chatted, and ate more Christmas cookies. Kelsey and I sang the way home, helped my dad stack wood for our woodstove, nom nom nom'd dinner and the hot tub has finally been fixed and reheated and I leave you at that. Happy Friday readers! Tomorrow I'm definitely going to have to finish some clinical homework and pack up my things. Stay cozy :) -J

Ch3:Holiday6:Weights of the worlds and I'm a power lifter

I felt as though Thursday went by much faster than the other days this week and I would have liked this one to last longer than them all. Let me start and end this rant quickly. I do not like the dentist. I pointed that out after my dentist tried to slip an underhanded ass hole comment into our conversation and I told him off and I will never return to that dentist's office again. Fuck it. End rant. Fuck it. Actual end rant. After the dentist from hell visit, I made my way down the familiar roads to Holland, Michigan. Being there was quiet to me and I couldn't stay long. I miss the familiarity of towns once I realize I've not been there for a while. Like you don't know when you miss home but you get there and realize how nice and comfortable it feels again. I visited Laura as her Birthday was Monday and well the reason was more because I hadn't seen her since July. Some people, all you have to do is sit in a basement together sharing a blanket and talk to each other where you left off the conversation from the phone calls prior and it's just simple. What I am discovering is the exhaustion that has started to come over me in terms of certain aspects of my life. So many things have started to pile down and I'm honestly not willing to move them except to the side and to the back of my mind. The internship still takes precedence (right word?) over things right now and I know the last few weeks before this break my scatteredness was increasing and my concentration was getting defeated. I hope to come back recharged and ready for the spring semester. Each week as I'm 1) Training for the half marathon 2) going through Internship duties and 3)writing here: I need to additionally start researching jobs and places to move to. If you have a suggestion please send it my way and don't take offense if I turn it down, but I just don't have the means to know about every city out there so please share info if you have it :) A new thing has popped into my life and it's quite fun. The new year is coming and I'm hoping that 2012 does not have anything else planned for me, I think it has FINALLY decided that Jessi has been given enough. Oh yes it's sounding like a pity party but it has been a really rough year. Let's get through the rest of 2012 and leave it behind. I'm welcoming 2013 and my goal is to not step foot in a hospital for my own medical attention. That was my goal last year, and though it fell apart by March (due to me fainting in a restaurant which still really bothers me) I'm hoping to last longer this time. Dear 2013 please be kind. It has all happened too fast.

Ch3:Holiday5: Defensive Causes

It's already reaching the end of Wednesday and I feel like I'm running short on time. I'd like break to be a little longer but it will feel good to get back into the swing of things. I know many accidents have been occurring on the road and that's definitely my least favorite part about winter..Please everyone, readers, drive as defensively as you can. Meaning, drive with caution and common sense, don't panic and as my dad taught me, "Watch out for the other guy." On that note, driving around Muskegon is like a nice fall day at the moment. There's hardly any snow and even by the lake the roads aren't icy. I took some photos today for my sisters recent engagement which was definitely fun :) I've been editing and then relaxing afterwards. We're all spending time with Hunter (kenzie's fiance) while they're both still here and playing some Wii games while we're at it. We watched the Avengers which hasn't gotten old yet and my jeans are tighter due to increased caloric intake! UGH! That's alright, I'm training for a half and the holiday dinners and snacks are behind me and hell they tasted great! I'm really getting jazzed up for the half marathon training to begin on Sunday. Get ready to jump into chapter 4 with me and start training! I'll be running the event the weekend that my internship ends! What a way to celebrate! I haven't had a lot of down quiet time to myself today but now that I'm writing the idea of lost causes has crossed my mind. I tend not to think about that idea a lot because I don't typically believe in lost causes. It's not a lost cause they say, until it is lost. I just don't believe in that? I just don't like the idea of a "lost cause" and it resonates back to RA time with me. I was told by someone about their idea of a lost cause and how part of it was my fault or that I wasn't doing enough to change it. How much bull shit can one person really spit out? I mean, is it really your decision when something is a lost cause? And how dare you even feel you have the audacity to make that call. Let's just say my thoughts got heated today. But c'mon readers, do you hear me? Lost causes may exist in extreme circumstances, but I'll never believe something has become a lost cause. Who knows, this could change but at 22 years old (almost 23 haha) it's just not on my radar. To all of my readers, you are never a lost cause and your ambitions aren't either. Also readers, try not to interpret what I'm saying as something different than what it is. But if you do, know that it is exactly what you've made it and not what I've said. It's always important to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. Cheers, Wednesday, you are alright.

Ch3:Holiday4: The road I would choose

A very Merry Christmas to all who celebrate in their own special ways. I hope everyone is cozy and warm, laughing and eating, unwrapping and gift giving, all of the Christmas things. A little unfortunately Twin Lake did not get any additional snow so it's not a particularly white Christmas but that's just not what matters. My parents spoiled me and I keep contemplating what to play with and look through next. I have to finish watching Season 7 of House because I got the final season! I don't want it to be over! I also am STOKED for a gift card to get new snowboarding shoes...I am so so excited to go boarding as much as possible this winter. I don't know how excited my parents are about it but they don't want me to live in constant fear of getting reinjured either. I'm stoked to start the serious training and I'm very fond of the word stoked today. That's enough of that though, one of my favorite presents was a necklace with "Protect Jessi" engraved on it. It's helping with the hunger for faith I've felt as of late. I think about how I'm more quiet in my mind lately and I'm never quite sure if I'm okay with that or not. You know, it really depends on the days! There's a faded heart on the side of my left hand and it feels like it's sinking into my hand. Only some know what that means but as I was reading through some old material last night (since I was too excited for santa to come) I found a prompt I did over the summer. It gave me starting phrases that I had to finish to start writing again. I decided to redo it today Readers, you should try it! Just delete whatever I had after the dashes. I am - relaxing in my pjammies. I keep - what I shouldn't. I wish I could - share more with you. I love - fiercely. I dance - to help myself breathe. I sing - a lot at home when I'm playing piano. I think - about a lot all of the time. I really - want to get the half marathon training started "officially." I need - to force myself out of slumps. I should - always be honest with myself. I can - feel. I like - Christmas day and working out after eating too many waffles. I make - messes. I always - feel empathy and sometimes I wish I didn’t. -----So, with all of my joy, comfort, love...I leave you to your own joys, comforts, and loves. I saw this last night from an Instagram posting and I thought it was sadly beautiful, "We vowed that we would go together down the road we all must go. You must not leave me behind," he pleaded. She looked sadly up at him. "I leave you, to go the road we all must go. The road I would choose, if only I could, is the other." -J

Ch3:Holiday3: Keep you eyes open

Happy Christmas Eve :) Time always seems to fly by and go slowly at the same time. I woke up early, curled-afied my hair, ate some nommy breakfast and coffee with Ryan and went for a walk in the cold. Sometimes, as I have mentioned before, you just want to be by the water. I thought about the following: Force yourself to pay attention to where you are going. It goes in hand with my 'You have to choose to keep on living." Force yourself, to pay attention. I didn't make it to my spot today due to too much ice coverage and lack of hiking boots. The spot will have to wait. We spent some time at Ryan's new place and I headed back home to start Christmas eve festivities. It's comforting driving through Muskegon. It feels good. We had a gingerbread house competition, our sketching snowmen competition and took a walk with the doggies. Followed by our annual Roclette dinner which was stupendous with my mimosa (sp?). We opened some presents, are in our matching new pjammies and my headache has persisted as always. I've heard it's snowing in certain areas and I hope drivin weather is alright for those traveling. Merry and happy Christmas readers. With tidings of comfort and joy, and all of my love..always, J.

Ch3:Holiday2:Break out the Champagne (and orange juice please)

Happy eve of Christmas eve. The final bits of shopping are taken care of. The house is warm and toasty with the fire stove burning. The whole Boehme family did yoga together this morning P90x2 style. Yoga is a way to center yourself and really learn how to control the muscles in your body. I think I'll be more sore tomorrow than I was today after the insanity workout but it's completely worth it. I'm getting myself ready for the endless days of soreness when the official training begins for the half marathon I'm running. I think it's important to bring up the half as much as possible, you're going to be reading through the thick and thin of my training...brace yourselves. I'm looking forward to seeing my buddy Ryan tomorrow morning for breakfast and walking, I'm looking forward to Christmas eve and Christmas and the rest of the week as well. I just don't want it to go by too quickly. We surprised my sister after her and my sister and their long time girlfriends got back from a dinner party with a "Happily Ever After" cake and champagne ready for toasting. Kenzie then surprised us with a gift of asking us to be her bridesmaids and my other sister as the MOH :) It's perfect and now as we all sit in the living room gossiping weddings and talking about themes and colors and dresses, watching the Sound of Music, today has ended quite nicely. I had a bit of nostalgia today and stared outside my old bedroom window with Schmitty wishing there was more snow to cover up the outside world and keep me in. Keep cozy, stay classy and wish for snow.

Ch3:Holiday:Pg1: Bites.

First day of break, sadly I did not sleep as well as I would have liked. I woke up at 3 after going to bed at 2 then woke up wide awake at 6:30 my normal time for work and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I gave up around 8:30 and joined my sisters and mom for breakfast downstairs. I shook some presents and after a trip to the store for kitty litter, other errands with my mom, we (my sisters and mom and I) did an insanity workout and I pushed harder than I have in any work out in a long time. There was something inside me as I was doing this crazy ass "insane" har har har, work out that started to growl. It was low at first and then when I needed it, a new power came out and now I sound like a super hero. :) That's okay. I felt pretty powerful. I was powering through that workout like a boss. Anywho. Then I got through that ate a delish lunch my mom had made. Mashed curry parsnip and also sweet potato soup. Kenzie and I did some shopping together and bought wedding magazines that we looked through later :) I'm so excited for her wedding. We proceeded to listen to the song she has picked already for the father daughter dance. The first time I listened to it with my mom and her, I was hysterical and bawling like a baby. Then I listend to it a second time with my dad and her, I was still hysterical and bawling like a baby. It's really quite beautiful. My dad's home, we're going to all watch a movie and he's eager to watch the last harry potter film because he has been listening to them on audio cd during his long car trips. At one point in the car today, Kenzie and I discussed having a feeling and that's good for the sake of having it. It only really makes sense to her and I and I don't care to go into to much detail but it's important I guess. I just wish it also didn't make me have to bite my tongue so hard to stop other emotions from building. I'm getting such a bad headache right now so I'm looking to get into my jamjams and watch that movie. It really feels good to have family close and to not be sitting in my apartment alone. Kelsey is out tonight but tomorrow night we'll all be together for the first time in a while and I'm ecstatic. I hope to see some friends soon, one of my home girls aka LAURA's birthday is on Monday, Christmas is just around the corner, Kenzie had asked me to take her engagement photos of her and Hunter which I am SUPER looking forward to. Hopefully it doesn't make me the bawling hysterical baby that the father daughter song did...if it does, well, all the same. Time for jamjams. Time to not think about the internship and what remains, time to keep trying.

Ch3:Pg50: Calling us

I'm..home? Wow. Just as I was finishing the drive (the end was better than the beginning and middle where I think I peed my pants a little) I realized while chatting with Aby that my Basic Clinical rotations are finished. Today was a frantic messy day. I felt once again scatter brained, I teared up during rounds when the Gift of Life people came in today. But, I'm done working in the ICU's unless I'm sent there during my staff relief rotation. I'm done after ten weeks of clinicals I'm completely done. Well no not really. Staff relief is the same thing like I've said before...at least I have a week break off to reboot a little, recharge, relax, redo, reformulate and breathe. My plans? Nothing too concrete. I do need to walk by Lake Michigan to be by the water, I need to mail out many letters, hike Snug Harbor and try and look out from the same spot I always look out from and see something different. I go to this spot everytime I hike this hike. I stand there and stare out into the open scenery and wait for it. Something is always different in me when I look from that spot. Some of you reading have stood there with me...I am not selfish of my spot. I feared that spot for some time. I feared it being there and helping me the way it always does because I didn't want it. I soon went there as much as possible and now I'm craving for that spot. I need to go there this week and let it be there for me. I miss that spot. There are other things I miss too. Missing vs remembering things is different. What's that? I keep remembering a certain night that is one night I both praise and condemn. Let's not get too far out in this post eh? Schmitty tolerated the ride alright and is happily sleeping on my bed at home. I'm comfortable in my comfy clothes..warm, with doggies and my family around me, I nibbled on the remaining pomegranate seeds from lunch, my body's adrenaline has finally run its course post white knuckle driving, and happy 100th post to me.

Ch3:Pg49: Maybe it's love

Helhjärtat. Wholehearted. I've been discussing tattoos lately readers. Why do I want one? The two I'm considering are two things I try to remind myself of daily when I question why I am the way I am. Helhjärtat means whole hearted and to me that speaks to my nature as a human being. I don't know that I've ever gone into something without my full heart. I try very hard to do things with my whole heart, ears, brain, eyes...you name it. It means to forgive wholeheartedly and say it like you mean it. It means to love fiercely, to never stop believing in yourself and others. I asked a friend recently about something like this. He told me I'm stubborn and he also said this "You are just strength incarnate and that is fucking incredible." That made bells go off in my mind while I was cleaning up my apartment. Everyone likes to be told something like that, it's just reassurance, it's human nature to want. To be wholehearted for me, means to be whole in strength, determination..a fighter till the end. I continue to fight each day. Whether this is for myself or for whatever but I fight. Unfortunately I felt scatter brained today at the internship and had to fight to keep patient's straight but that's a whole other story. So. Wholeheartedness. Have passion even if you don't know what it is toward, have it. Even when you don't have anything to put it towards, have it. I discussed heart healthy dieting with multiple patients today. I talked about how "No sea salt really isn't any better for you" & "No eating out of a box, can and bag is generally not as good" & "No I am not a stripper." Yes I had a patient ask me that and I don't know if I was more offended or grossed out. Anywho. In those moments of tips and education I put passion into what I'm doing. I listen to them and try to focus in on what they're telling me. Ever feel like you're listening to someone but you zone right away from their voice? This happens to me and generally I'll just tell you look I stopped like 5 minutes ago please tell me again. Whatever. What I'm getting at is that I would like any one reading to keep trying to wholeheartedly go for whatever it is you're going for. Even if you don't know what it is and even if things are hard. Just also keep in mind that we're human and sometimes we do give up ourselves. In the moments when you do, let someone know so that they can share their rays of sunshine. I really don't know quite all what I'm getting at. I saw something a long time ago that I wonder if it still exists. I wonder it everyday. I'm human. I think about the what if's and the is it my fault's and did I do this or say this the way I wanted to's. I still am not quite sure what I'm getting at here...but I think it's also important to know that even when your whole heart is there, sometimes that's all. Sometimes it's just there. So what am I holding onto wholeheartedly? Myself.

Ch3:Pg48.5: Unbridled

As I was cleaning up my dishes, apartment, lighting candles for the hell of it and I was singing to Lady Gaga "The Edge" when it hit me like a 2X4. There were tears of joy and dancing, spinning and almost stepping on the tail of my cat. There were moments when my head started spinning and a moment when a friend asked me one question and a couple things fell back into place. My knee is healed bitches as much as it needs to be. I'm training for a half marathon. My reckoning has begun. This photo, is me. And I love that.

Ch3:Pg48: I fought

Happy Anniversary. My knee and I have finally made it to the one year mark today. I got my ACL redone with a cadaver's ACL (Thank you) and I know to some it sounds like just another one of my surgeries...but this date means a great deal to me. It breaks me a little. I had amazing support throughout this experience especially on the day of before after and weeks following surgery and therapy. It broke me down mentally in ways I didn't know were possible. I started losing hope at physical therapy when all I felt was guilt and pain as they tried to straighten my knee and I couldn't drive anywhere. I leaned, hard, on people. I really didn't expect the surgery to change me mentally when it was just supposed to change me physically. I needed the other pain to go away but no where in the books and blogs I read did anyone quite describe what I went through. Oh c'mon I'm not trying to be dramatic but I'm trying to be honest here. Maybe that's the problem. The other blogs I read and "tips for having your ACL redone" were being sugar coated and dipped in chocolate with a cherry on top saying you'll be walking before you know it! Nope. Not the case. I was on crutches from the knee scope prior and then after the surgery for about a month and a half afterwards. I lost it in my mind and even after the crutches were gone, or I finally could take off that big ass black and metal hinged brace...I had a hard time coming back. It was easier to be lazy but I refused to stop. It was hard to push myself and push others and push my mind and push push push. I don't think I quite ever told anyone just how much my mind has been through since that surgery. Now that I'm a year out I can look at it all and...what? I guess just keep going. I guess no one is ever going to truly know what's going on in your minds unless you tell them. Don't start spilling everything but maybe I should have said something a long time ago. But, I try to be strong because I am strong. I kept fighting for myself to make it while making it with others too. I fought because if I gave up on me I gave up on everything. That was never okay with me..It never really will be okay to give up on myself. I'm still fighting, "Aren't you tired yet?" Asked my mom...Yes...I am..but I am a force to be reckoned with, it's time I start reckoning.

Ch3:Pg47: Against all grains

The risks I take. The girl I am. I haven't changed and I've changed in every way. I'm sitting at my internship currently with 15% battery left on my computer. We literally have been dead since this afternoon and I haven't had much extra work to do with both presentations completed last week. I need to get my eyes checked and I hopefully can get to that today. I need to work out at the gym and get myself mentally ready for my training to begin for the half marathon. I actually kind of want to run outside since it is sunny out...we'll see once I get to leave. So, my title. Going against the grain or "off the grid" if you will. Something that I'm thinking about today and lately. Going against either gut instincts or feelings or finally going with them. My gut tends to have at least 5 different instincts on the same subject though so sometimes I just hold off until the answer becomes a little more clear. Remember when I talked about a tattoo? I am talking about it again though it'll take time for me to get it if I do end up getting it. It would be the phrase that I so smart-fully created, "You have to choose to keep on living." We feel everything and it can control us till we're sobbing or raging with anger or regret, however...we will always, always have the power to control how we react to them. Always. Yes, in extreme cases some people snap. I'm not talking about faking it till you're making it or hiding your feelings. Just remember you're in control of you no matter what you think. When you think you still need someone you might. When you think you're done you might be. But you have to choose to keep on living. Those two examples are small and aren't exactly what I'd like them to be. I also believe that I still am who I was. Though I'm changed in everyway. That person hasn't left and she's not going anywhere.

Ch3:Pg46: Please.

THIEVES. Who decided that it was okay to steal? Why is there situations of desperation and people ruin things of others? Take things that are worthless to you, oh, no wait they're worth a pinch of money for what they cost when you pawn them!!! FUCK you assholes. Not happy. Headache is pounding against my skull and I'm sick to my stomach. Thousands of dollars, clay everywhere...paint on the floor!? REALLY? I'm exacerbated at the thought of all of this. I'm sickened by you, you thieves. SO What happened? Our property was broken into. My mom is an artist, a beautiful creator and YOU are pathetic assholes who don't even know what to do with half the shit you took. Read this: Artist- One, such as a painter, sculptor, or writer, who is able by virtue of imagination and talent or skill to create works of aesthetic value, especially in the fine arts. Thief- 1. a person who steals something from another 2. (Law) Criminal law a person who commits theft. The first definition is wonderful the second is ugly. All I can muster right now is that thank god clinicals are done this week aside from them being the exact same thing as staff relief which will last me all of January. I've enjoyed my time in the ICU and will try to make the last week as good as I can. I get to go home and be with my family over christmas, hopefully help recover some of what was taken and please for the love of anything get this headache gone. Damnit 2012. Leave us alone.

Ch3:Lastweekendended: B and C: The night is ours.

B started late as I laid in bed not really wanting to get out. I wanted to go take a long walk and take photos of an abandoned campus. Sadly it was raining on and off all day though I enjoyed the local foodsies, talking and reading. I treated myself later on to a dessert on my own which turned into me going to see the Life of Pi along with 6 other strangers, one elderly couple, and the smell of popcorn in the air. I suppose Life of Pi has been playing in theaters for a while but maybe it should be a movie you watch on your own. Or at least with someone who understands the necessary silence as you watch and when you leave. I really enjoyed that movie. I cried, no surprise there, and started thinking more about my own life. I talked up that night late into the wee hours and drove home with Taylor Swift singing around me. I love to sing. I love to sing and feel the strong emotions that every song is bringing out and I love to have those emotions change every single time I listen to them. I fell into my bed and pet schmitty until I fell asleep. C started late like B and I finally dragged myself out of bed and started my day. I've been listening to the xx's and they've been a great accompaniment to reading a borrowed creative writing piece. It's a great read and pretty quick too but it's making me feel so stuck in Midland. It's rainy and gray outside and seems adventureless though I know that's not true. It's just the day. You have to choose to keep living I thought as I was reading. The words rolled out of my mind and onto a sticky note quickly so I wouldn't forget how I thought them. I then sat on my balcony and read some more with a blanket wrapped around me. Passerbys probably stopped and double took as some random girl sat outside in the cold just to read. They're just jealous. I moved recently back inside and kept the screen door open to get fresh air. The xx's are still playing on repeat and I am questioning multiple thoughts that keep creeping around me today. No thoughts, just heart actually. Stamina and a heart meter bar like in the video games that is starting to blink. No thoughts, just heart. A and B and C; the weekend before my final week of this half of the internship.

Ch3:LastWeekend: What I wanted. B and W redone.

Low Blows: The kind that don't bother punching you in the pit of your stomach. The kind that like to go directly for your heart and mind and knock you over. Score one for the blows, zero for the Jessi. I started this post and published it and I am trying to rewrite it in a way that helps me come across the way I want to. Then I thought, fuck that because if you truly care about how I come across then you'd ask. If you don't ask then you have no back up to your assumptions. Just remember that I am the queen of kill them with kindness. But, low blows even knock the queen's crown off sometimes and this time she doesn't feel like killing with kindness. She doesn't feel like doing anything at all except running. I wanted peace, I just was not prepared for war.

Ch3:Pg45: Unfathomable Grief

I've never had a child but I love fiercely as I can imagine parents do for their children. We stood still in the ICU unit watching a television about the tragedy that occurred. Remember that post about perspective and how you can only feel the worst you've been through and the best? Well, Obama got his message right, we respond as a nation. As one binding group of people. Tell those who you love you love them. Write letters to the families experiencing loss, anger, grief and scars that never should have happened. It is so hard to forget pain.

Ch3:Pg44: Where is everyone?

This headache is getting old. I woke up once again feeling not so great around 2:30 this morning. I did, however, wake up at my actual scheduled time feeling like I hadn't ever fallen back asleep. This actually helped me just get out of bed, throw clothes on and do other necessary morning dillydallys and go to the hospital early. This morning was crrrrazy. Everything kept changing, orders kept shifting and the wrong information continually fell around us. Gr. It was a frustrating day, I scarfed down lunch and we went upstairs to do our presentations. I'm actually glad I did both of them today because the tense air around them has subsided. They both went really well in my opinion and Kali's presentation went well too. Ann (our director) made us banana bread and I sat and chatted with her for a little while after. I speedily calculated some TPN needs, wrote a few more notes and finally got to leave that day behind. I headed to the mall this evening after work to stroll, not think and buy things. I did think about some purchases of course as they related to Christmas shopping but mostly I tried not to think..of anything. This is the moment when I say that nothing was everything I thought about and no matter where I went, the candles I smelled, the fabrics I tested or the money I spent changed my thoughts. My thoughts finally were interrupted by a hungry belly and the need for dinner. I made my standard and called it a night with my pjammies on early and netflix on the couch. It's only 9:30, my headache is worse, my thoughts are hopeful and my daydreams aren't changing. I spent a long time in barnes and noble tonight. Sometimes I wish I could stay trapped there and all I had to do was read, learn and think with the smell of imaginations, fairy tales, adventures, passion, paper and ink around me. My headache is making me foggy, I'm craving socialization since my cat seems to be ignoring me for the time being and my spirit is bracing me for a leap I don't know that I can take. Yes folks, sometimes we stop our hearts and sometimes we follow them. Just never, ever lose your mind in the process. Even when you're in the midst of an internship, you're trying so hard to do it all right and just be who you are, never forget that you're already there. Send me a little night time thought wishing my headache away. Happy break to all of the CMU students reading this who are either on their final final exams or papers or applications, to the ones who never stop having work and to the ones who are in tears so happy to be home. I can hear your absence from CMU all the way over here.

Ch3:Pg43: Sodium Please

Every patient (pretty much) that I have been working with/on this week has high sodium levels. I want to remember this because we've been looking around the hospital trying to find out who's sneaking who salt! hahaha, it's not just salt that causes those levels to rise but at the moment I'm in bed ready to sleep so I"ll have to save that for another post. Hospital = busy day + cookies, free lunch that wasn't that great but the conversation was better than the last "Schwratz Rounds." It's when a topic is picked a panel chosen to discuss / lead a conversation about that topic. Todays was turn over rates. They brought up that some of my generation / younger generations don't have the same loyalty to companies that they did a long time ago. This isn't true, but we do change jobs more than generations before us. Again, this topic fascinates me but I don't have time to go into it. After a long day there, I went for a really hard run and pushed my lungs as much as I felt I could. It was snowy and cold and sunny, perfect. I made butternutsquash soup with beans and carrots mixed in. Skype date with ABy. Then worked on my presentations for tomorrow. It's the two biggest projects for the clinical rotation and I might not end up doing both presentations but I'm ready if I have to. Sigh. I have to admit I hate doing presentations. My lisp comes out more and I turn red lol. Oh well. They'll be over and done before I know it. Then tomorrow night I can just relax, sleep and watch a movie. My headache believe it or not is still lingering and I still wake up feeling generally not great. This weekend should be good though with lots of sleep and whatever else I feel like doing. If you're still in the thick of exam week/papers applications or extra credit (don't you miss that?) make sure you're loading up on fruits, veggies, FIBER, whole grains you know, the healthy stuff and lots of water...don't think caffeine is going to help you ace that test. It'll dehydrate you and make it harder for you to focus. Crazy concept, I know. ANywho that's my bit of advice for tonight. I really want to fall asleep quickly so I wake early, get in early, print everything I need, and brace myself for my day with Thursday. Here's my quote I like today, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein. Be brilliant friends, love j

Ch3:Pg42: Our way

Welcome to my Tuesday: I woke up at 3:45 am due to my headache's persistance and just a general feeing of malaise. My window was open as per my mother's suggestion not only to get fresh air in but hopefully to keep toxins out in case I'm still getting subtle amounts of what filled my apartment last week. I didn't go back to bed for an hour or so and when I tried I think I fell asleep pretty quickly. I went into the internship today bright eyed and keeping a positive attitude as we rounded through the ICU and educated people on heart healthy dieting. Kali and I got to leave at 2:00 to get to Saginaw for our Nutrition and Physical Assessment with Jim Brewer. He was a preceptor at the VA hospital for me remember? I really like the topic that we discussed and I find it so fascinating that it's simply not used as much as it should be. However, I think that comes with this in tow...you need to know what the hell you're talking about before you just start "physically assessing" patients. On that note though, if you notice something that sparks a nutrition diagnosis thought (as Jim say's it is always nutrition related until proven otherwise) like a really smooth red tongue, you're looking at some specific deficiencies and should get some others in to back you up. Nutrition can do so much more than provide diet therapy or dietary life style changes...I hope to continue to expand my knowledge and become much more of an expert in clinical nutrition for this reason. I do hope to work with the pediatric age group, but that's just a goal as of now. So after class it was back to Midland, cooking a quick dinner, relaxing for a teensy bit and then working on my two major presentations coming up Thursday afternoon. At least I get them both out of the way in one swoop but it's a lot of talking. If you don't listen to me speak often, my lisp comes out when my mouth gets tired...great. So I was practicing and after lisping too many times I am calling it a night and heading to bed. I'm exhausted, my headache still lingers and I'm as ready as I'll be to greet Wednesday with bright eyes and hope. I bid you goodnight with my final thought for the day. Let the truth have its day and we'll find our way back. Sweetest dreams, j

Ch3:Pg41: A white flag in the snow

The weather is changing and breaking my stride. Actually I like the change of weather. I just hope it's to blame for this headache I have that refuses to leave me alone. I've been working on my case study tonight, making sure the presentation is smooth and transitions well. I had to stop and take a ten minute nap which eventually with all of the snooze buttons hit turned into a 35 minute nap...that hasn't happened in a long, long time for me. My mindset was think positive and let your daydream take you away, and bam I was down for the count in a delicious but headachy nap. I tried working on a couple more details for my presentations this coming Thursday but write to you all instead because I think I'm going to have to go to bed extra early tonight. My other wish aside from my headache to please go away? I'd like my dreams to stop messing with my reality. I think my brain enjoys what it's forcing me to dream about. Ever feel that way? Isn't it so odd how you dream about something so vivid that when you wake up your feel it in your body like it truly just happened? At the moment I hate that feeling but in general I think it's some what mind bending. I'm trying really hard right now to think of more to write to you all but even my dream point was weak. I feel fatigued and should just call it a night. I would like my week off for Christmas to come sooner, things to change faster and for my snowboard to magically arrive and my knee never hurt again so I can glide down a slope and feel infinite. That's how I feel when I'm snow boarding. Goodnight everyone, if you're in the midst of exam week and you've got papers to write, take care of you, do your best and forget the rest. Too corny? Goodnight and sleep tight.

Ch3:Weekendended: Pieces

This weekend had good parts and bad parts. I worked the ICU floors essentially by myself on Saturday morning with coffee and doughnut holes in hand. I went to two improv shows and did not eat an arby's sandwich like Kyle. I finally hit jackpot in some realizations. Maybe it would be best to stay in Michigan when I graduate the internship and maybe it would be good to move far away. I really want to go to Ghana this summer and I hope that can happen. I really want it to start snowing more so I can drive up to mountains on the weekends and go boarding. I really want you all to have a great rest of your Sunday, good luck on exams to those who are reading and have them, and say hi to cmu for me as I just don't know when the next time will be that I'm there. Even when I'm there, well, it's just not home anymore. Maybe it's not supposed to be. I need some water, ibuprofen and my blankets. I'm cold, tired and don't feel so well. Cheers, Sunday, you're putting up a fight to hang around but Monday always wins.

Ch3:Pg40: Trying not to be an ass

Woke up a million catrillion times last night at the hotel. Woke up and bought coffee and got to work at the hospital. My apartment smelled better after a thorough airing out last night and it's okay now. I will be working at the hospital in the morning tomorrow. I don't feel like writing much I'm actually kind of cantankerous. One of my new favorite words. Ever get cantankerous? I do, we all do. It's a fact of life. None of my doctor appointments are working out for while I'm on my one little week break from the internship. I'm getting fairly tired of clinicals though I know I'm still learning and it's a great experience. I'm lucky to be where I am, the dietitians are really great and I love working with them and sitting with them at lunch time. However. Due to my cantankerous-ness. I leave you until I write this weekend. My Friday night reminder, be a friend to those you care about but don't be an ass to the ones you don't. Simple. K-I-S-S. Keep it simple silly. P.s. in lighter news, I want to tag along to a CMU study abroad trip this summer to Ghana. Wouldn't that be something? Yes, Yes it would.

Ch3;Pg39: You want a rant?

Today was a long full day. But a really good one too. The morning was not full of a heavy patient load and Heidi and I worked on check ups and some educations and since by some oddity everyone on staff today was matching in colors. This made Heidi think we should all go to Entre Amigos for lunch so we did! It was super yummy and we had a nice time :) It was good interacting with them outside of the hospital. I got to leave after lunch and go with Aby to CMU to be on a panel for our director's class. Ann teaches a class to the senior dietetic students who are getting ready to apply for their internships. It's odd that I was there only a year ago, it seems so distant now. It was nice being on the panel, though I wish it lasted a little longer. Aby, Janet, another girl from the MSU internship who graduated with us (Jen) went with our director to starbucks at the Bovee UC and that was nice as well. After that Aby and I decided to go to a new restaurant (fairly new) in Mount Pleasant called Dharma Mojo Tea Bar + Grill. It was pretty good minus a tea server but fun none the less. There were shennanigans in the car on the way there and I was reminded of the feeling of adrenaline and the semi inappropriate laughter than ensues afterwards. You know, the kind when you're laughing but it's just your body's response to get out the feelings. That kind. Driving back I decided to go to Target after Aby got back to her car. BUT. Now where am I? A hotel. Yes. A frustrating night ensued when I got home and my apartment reeked of a gas like smell. I found schmitty and called my apartment complex who finally came out and were like hmm yeah that'd give me a headache too. They just called me again to tell me they definitely think it's a tub re-glazing going on in the room below me. That smell is coming up through my vents and since I wasn't aware of it before hand my apartment smells awful, my windows weren't open and my poor cat was breathing in that crap for god knows how long. I was hardly in there and I have a headache. So. I go to a hotel where they put me on an outdoor entrance room and I'm like. Absolutely not. I'm a 22 year old girl and I don't care if you think this is silly but I'm not staying in a hotel outdoor entrance room on my own. So they moved me and after a shower, no comb to comb my hair with because I forgot, guzzling down water to get rid of toxins and headache, I am now in my "king size" bed wanting to just sleep and leave as soon as possible. My apartment better smell better tomorrow. I'm annoyed and wanted to write other things to you all tonight but instead you got my rant. Sometimes it's like I said a while ago, it's not always the internship that's stressing me, it's things outside of it like elephants, obstacles, things and headaches. Annoyed, J.

Ch3:38: It isn't easy

"Come take my hand and I'll take your hand. And I will bring you out. Come take the line and I'll take the line. And I will pull you out.In the sun." lyrics from a song sent to me recently. I really like it. It was so nice during our lunch hour today to have the sun shining on us. Today went by relatively quickly and honestly my lunch was the best part! Aside from seeing patients and having a low key day in terms of work load. I saw the flashing blue lights above a door today which means a patient is coding and you just see the tension in the air rise like static. It was a little crazy but we were not apart of that situation nor do we need to be so we carry on. I hate hearing sirens at night time (I just did) because I think oh no someone is in dire need of help and I might see them tomorrow. It just makes me sad. Anyone working in a hospital knows it and you just learn I think to put up this thick skin to it all. I should ask my sister, she's a nurse and I'm sure a damn good one at that. I am glad my whole family will be home for a time while I'm on my mini break...it'll be so nice. I feel like I'm going a little stir crazy. Work, go to gym, shower, make dinner, eat dinner, work on project if necessary, check email, read, write, doodle, watch netflix, blah blah blah. I am excited to go to CMU tomorrow with Aby and help with our director's class and hang after. Pretty sweet if you ask me! Overall people, the internship goes as it goes and it goes well. It has been smooth sailing and I'm glad that I have a mini break between "clinicals" and "staff relief" though they're very similar. I'm strongly considering a tattoo and I'm also considering my plans for the weekend. I'm also starting to try and consider my plans post graduating the internship. I'm considering a lot of things at the moment. I'm also considering leaving this post at that and saying one last thing. The elephant is back.

Ch3:Pg37: TuesdaySmoosday

Shorter day at the hospital. We powered through work and didn't have a lot of new patients. I really hope this trend continues throughout the week. I ran a little farther today and did alright with it. My knees were "meh" but I made do. I've been working on my case study finalizations which is nice to have done. I'm writing answers to questions that current cmu undergrad students have as they prepare for their internship application process. It's a scary time but they'll be okay. I was okay and would have been okay even if I hadn't gotten an internship. Even with every risk I've taken and continue to take, I'm still okay. For now, that is just enough and for now I'm tired and want to watch my movie in peace. Glow on.

Ch3:Pg36: Misery and Magic

Before you read what I wrote today, an entry I'm very fond of, Happy Birthday Mom :) You brought me into this world and I will always work to bring you joy and happiness because I am the woman I will become because you brought me here. Continue. Sometimes I run so I don't have to think. Sometimes I run to think. Sometimes I run to figure it out. Sometimes I just run. I ran today in shorts and a long sleeve shirt. How often is it 60 degrees in December? Not very often, let me tell you. Monday ran across this page so quickly it's almost time to wake up with Tuesday and forget about today. It was a seemingly quick day at the hospital, but I feel like I didn't do anything. I calculated TPNs and Tube feedings all day. It's great practice but it made the day feel funny. I felt really bloated today too which was obnoxious and decided that instead of going to the gym I would enjoy the beautiful temperature and run. I felt like a weight at the bottom of the ocean sinking farther into the sand getting dragged by a large boat ready to dock. This is not an exaggeration. My body didn't like pushing through the bad feelings, the thoughts, the tingling in my thighs, the burning of my skin and the running of my nose. Never the less, I ran. I ran because today I really needed to listen to music, hear my heart beat and just run away from everything in a physical sense. "I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to be." This could possibly be a tattoo one day, relax mom and dad and friends, it's in the making and everyone knows I take a long time to make decisions...right. Well just saying. That quote was running through my mind on my run, yes punny. I'm not always going to know what to do in each situation to make it result in an ideal outcome. I'm going to always try and be the woman I know I want to become. If you lose something, everything or feel like you're not sure of where you're going... Simply think about the man or woman you want to become. The one you idealize and fantasize about becoming. Is it a powerful CEO? Is it a role model to students or your future children? Is it a dear friend to all or a man who becomes the hero one day? Whoever the man or woman or both that you want to be, never lose site of that. Even if you're running away from feelings or anything else, know that you'll always have you and you already are the man or woman you will become. Thanks Monday, I'll catch you in a week.

Ch3: Weekend Break: Lost in Translation

Hey, Sunday is back in town and leaving soon. I wish Sunday would stick around longer because I'm not too eager to hang with Monday. This weekend was good. Shopping was stupendous, thank you Aby and outlet mall. I slept in late today and cleaned my apartment thoroughly and I sang all day. Tonight I wish I did have someone here to talk to and it's okay that I feel that way. I think I'll work on my case study patient presentation and I should practice giving my MedLit Search presentation. Tonight the girl in the red coat could use exactly what she knows she wants. When it comes to knowing what you want, though, apparently you need to be ready for people to think about you and guess at what you want. Guessing games irritate me. However, this girl could also use a back rub, a bubble bath, a cosmo and gossip girl to watch. Carry on, Sunday. Monday is on to you.

Ch3:Pg25: Turning Off

Hi Friday, you came in the nick of time. I'm tired from the week, I want to wear my new dog cheap sweater and I want to watch Little Nemo Adventures in Slumberland. Not the fish movie. Ever seen this one? It's super old but super awesome. Friday, you made us work today at the hospital. We had tube feeding patients galore and we also had a patient miracle. Everyone was smiling at you ___(insert patient name) and I don't know you personally but you're young, keep being strong. Well, I'd write you more but Friday and I have business in Mount Pleasant, so off we go. I'm turning off for the night.

Ch3:Pg34: Capable and Scared

Confidence. Today at the hospital we discussed how lately we're surrounded by death and dying. It's happening a lot and I know too many people who are recently getting sick and sicker, or know people who know people who are experiencing it...etc. I'm not accustomed to deaths really. I wasn't old enough to remember the last of my grandparents passing away and only vaguely do I remember my Aunt Pam passing though I dream about her sometimes. Those are always some of my favorite dreams and every day I have them I tell my dad I saw her. I may not be accustomed to death but I still wish she were here. While at the hospital though, I am around people who may not all be in pain but when you can see the pain it's almost easier because you don't want someone to be suffering in pain. Today I talked with a cancer patient and she predicted who I was without knowing. She said, "I bet you're a dietitian! You look so healthy and strong." We had a really nice conversation and I helped her with increasing protein/calories in her diet at home. I get more confidence in my position at the hospital each day but I'll probably always have questions. Isn't that how it should go? Seek confidence and be full on knowledge but never stop asking questions and never stop learning. After work I went to the gym and then to the grocery store where I bought red. No not the new T-Swift album I already have that but after I left I realized I bought red potatoes, red bell peppers, strawberries and a powerade that was pink. Whatever. SO I came home and made some noms and skyped with my pal Sam :) I miss that girl and can't wait for winter break to see her! She said something to me though, about me, and I couldn't have said how I feel better myself. It's how I feel so shouldn't I be able to? Not always the case. We talked about my confidence in connection and fierce belief in something. I found it really fascinating, hence why I'm adding it here. Oh, I mentioned to you you'd get to see a little piece of my old journals. The title? From my 10th grade journal I wrote, "Capable? Anyone is. Scared? Everyone is." At the time I wrote it, I wasn't having the best of years. I write it and remember it every so often when it comes into play again. So think about it and see what it means for you. Just don't steal it without giving me credit, I never stole it and it's a "quote" haha that I have confidence in. I'm not sure how that came across but I'm not worried about it. Confidence is what is an underlying factor in how I feel, you could call it faith or a stubborn or sturdy backbone, but mostly..yes, Sam. You're right, it's confidence in how strongly I feel. This is an interesting thought process for me and I'm happy with how Thursday treated me. Here comes Friday, you took long enough.

Ch3:Pg33: Poor Prognosis

Greetings, Wednesday, you were kind and taught me more than Tuesday. I got straight to work once arriving at the hospital and then Heidi and I went on patient rounds throughout the ICUs. I feel like every other day patients are given the "poor prognosis" statement in their chart and it makes me sad. I see life and its end quite a bit at the hospital and it's just something different to have on your mind. There was a patient we discussed who's organs were on the opposite sides of her body, her heart was on her right not left, etc. She is sick now but has lived to 81! That's someone I want to talk to and be like how did you do it!? If you don't know, that's usually something detected at birth and given a "Poor Prognosis." After seeing some patients in the morning, Heidi the RD and I got to watch a PEG tube get placed into a man's stomach. Not gonna lie I was grinning and giggling to myself because it was really cool to watch and though I did get a little dizzy-ish, it was neat. I kept reminding myself not to watch the cutting but it's so small that it wasn't a big deal to my equilibrium. They're the same kind of incisions that I had done when I got my laparoscopy and my appendectomy, they're small! My appetite wasn't strong afterwards but I did manage some lunch and worked a little more and headed to Saginaw to class. Today's lecture was about our professional portfolio and learning about the 75 credits per 5 years we have to complete as continuing education. The education can come from a multitude of things such as actual classes (my grad classes will count towards them), poster presentations, research, webinars, conferences, etc. It just means you have to do that or you lose your RD license, not hard to do in five years (gain the credits that is). Our director at one point just laughed and said "Just fill the darn thing out." Only the interns may giggle at this because it was funny then and writing it now doesn't sound as funny. You'd have to know our director, she's pretty great. I've been going to the gym a lot more and keeping my mind and body physically and mentally more active. It has really helped with combating feeling kind of lonely or bored. Plus I see more and am around more people at the gym and it makes me feel less alone. Aw, that statement sounded sad. I don't mean it to, I do feel lonely at times but I wouldn't trade this experience I've had living alone for much of anything. Anywho. In terms of other things on my mind and in my life, maybe there are some poor prognoses (no I'm not dying) but even when given a prognosis we don't like, we have to keep going. There are multiple things on my plate right now aside from the massive amounts of veggies I'm eating...and I'm afraid some may be leading me down different roads than I prepared for. I'm really not quite sure how I've gotten here, or the roads that have led me here. I just know all of the roads and all of the prognoses will keep me walking these paths even when I have no clue what I'm doing on them anymore. Spotted, jess walking, smiling, and dancing in the streets.

Ch3:Pg32: Slow like honey

Today has actually flown by, thanks Tuesday. I told you yesterday that I had a lot on my mind but I'm sitting here and I'm drawing some blanks. I worked out after work, made a delicious dinner, steamed more cauliflower for tomorrow, skyped with abygail, worked on my project, finished my project and now I'm sitting with the candlelight and the smell of nutmeg&spice filling my living room. I am still drawing a bit of a blank as to what I want to write about tonight. I'm sitting on the couch and schmitty has nuzzled between my calves and I'm in my comfy clothes. This week at least at night, my mind has been quieter. I talked recently about "work life" vs "private life." They are so different and it's not troubling per se, but the two barely correlate. Well, they do but they dont...oh man, I don't know. This post is just kind of blah se. I'm somewhat missing from feeling social but going to the gym helps with that. Let's keep this post at that, it's not going anywhere fun. My patients today were complicated and simple at the same time. I think that's all for today.

Ch3: Pg 31; Skinny Love on a Monday Night

Good evening, Monday. We worked hard today. I felt a general glaze of fatigue while at the internship today. I have started week 7 of 10 for basic clinical...just 4 more additional weeks after that. Monday and I went to the gym right after work burned up a sweat and returned home to complete a Nike Training workout. I don't know if thats legal for me to advertise their product, but it's a free ap and I suggest you download it if possible. It has a ton of workouts with increasing intensities or decreasing intensities, target areas, target workouts...it's baller. We made some brown rice with chopped up red peppers and onions and we steamed some cauliflower. Filling up on fibrous vegetables makes my body feel so healthy. I can't describe it but I promise you the more you fill your plates with vegetables (and fruits too) the better your body will feel. Maybe it's because scientifically I know what's happening to the food being digested and where in my body it's going...but I feel good about it. I'm not saying you, my readers, need to avoid meat as well. However, stick to a moderate amount per week of it because all meat has saturated fat in it which we try (or should try) to limit in our diets. Monday and I have worked on a powerpoint presentation on Fructose Intolerance vs. Malabsorption. We almost forgot how to do actual homework since I'm more so "working" rather than taking classes. I'm really anxious for grad classes to start this coming summer. I forgot how nice it is to be busy and occupy my mind on something aside from my own thoughts. Bon Iver joined us as we created the masterpiece presentation that will get finished tomorrow. Monday and I are now sitting waiting and softly singing along to songs we're learning together. I'd like to continue to improve on the ukelele so that I can perform by the bonfires and have people sing along with me. Monday and I should share something with you about Sunday. Sunday and I got into an argument and for the first time in a while frustration resulted and a headache ensued. Frustration about things I just don't understand anymore. This is okay though, because Monday came right on time and now, soon, Tuesday will as well. Welcome, Tuesday. I've got a lot on my mind I hope you're ready.

Ch3:Weekendend: Driving back to it all

My apartment is decorate in a festive way, much like back home. I love when our house is full of Christmas decorations and I especially love moving them to different spots (because Kenzie, those snowmen are staying in the kitchen they do not belong in the bathroom this year). I thought today as I was driving back towards Midland, back to work and back to my apartment with Schmitty the kitty and the snow on the ground..I thought about weaknesses. I thought about my achilles heel and what mine really is. Am I sounding incredibly serious? Haha well we all have weaknesses and we can't be blamed for them all of the time. Here are a few funnier/light hearted ones; caramel, well trained dogs, diet orange soda, reeses, pasta, broccoli and cheddar soup, flavored water, goodwill stores, target and that's just to name a few. What are your weaknesses? What do you do about them? Tonight I've done nothing about the ones I've listed and as for the ones I haven't I'm trying to figure that one out myself. I'm back to the grind tomorrow, I have a Medical literature presentation next week on Fructose Intolerance. I have not really done too much about it except for gather all of my research materials. My sister was right though, it's kind of hard to work from home so I think I'll have to venture elsewhere tomorrow after the gym and dinner so that I am not so easily distracted. Distractions are like weaknesses and by the way distractions aren't bad. I got distracted in my room at home today when I came across an old journal. I love reading what I used to write. Maybe I'll share some with my readers tomorrow because it's pretty funny. Then I got nostalgic like I am now and then I had to drive and sing and figure out my achilles heel. I'm still battling it I think. What's yours? This is just a hullaballo post because I am eating up some time. Cheers to Monday.

Ch3; Pg30; Driving away from it all.

I got three hours of sleep and it never even affected me! Today was an incredibly long and pretty frustrating day. Aside from yesterday and now the fact that I'm home, I am so glad this week is over. It was kind of shitty. Not holding back. I enjoyed a good dinner with my family finally after a three hour drive. There's a light layer of snow on the ground, we're going to play some games and watch a movie. Sometimes information gets dropped on you like a miniature bomb. As of late, I feel like I'm walking in a field of land mines. It's not that bad but sometimes it seems that way. I wish I could write more because I feel like I have a lot to say but this time I don't know how to say it. Some tests don't come back the way we want them to. Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and we'd do just about anything to change it. Sometimes working at the hospital brings me down and back to earth all at once. I like when I feel I'm actually helping a patient. Other times you just feel slightly helpless but you're doing all you can. I need to just be with my family tonight, let the games begin.

Ch3:Pg29:Lines?

I need to sleep so I'll probably write extra tomorrow. I walked for four and a half hours today and spun in giddy circles as I danced in a field with my music playing, took a bunch of photos, ate a TON of sweet potatoes, watched gossip girl, skyped with my family, missed my family, and had a splendid awesome fun crazy time shopping the door busters with Justin. Today was a solid, good day. Today I'm in a state of grace.

Ch3:Pg28: Quiescence

As I started the morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I went into the hospital at 7:30am. I started looking over patient charts and preparing our sheets with the information we need in order to assess the patient. This morning I went on rounds with Heidi. We were in the ICU units and at times I felt sad, hopeful, angry, confused and just downright human. If you're not scared you're not paying attention. It's so quiet in my apartment tonight. I think everyone even in my apartment complex has vacated. This is the first night in a while that I am down right lonely and silent in thoughts. I hope to spend tomorrow walking outside taking photos on my own. I got a special can of cat food for Schmitty, we'll decorate the apartment in some cheap festive things and we'll have a quiet day. I wish I was home like you, my readers tonight. Working Friday is not my ideal and it's so quiet tonight..Like I said, if you're not scared then you're not paying attention. We're all human and we all need to be a little more thankful, give a little more, receive a little more and take the moments of silence and the moments on our own and run with them.

Ch3;Pg27: A moment of love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb6vrN71qwU Instant tears as I watched that video. One of the most awesome moments of my life. I was so incredibly happy and felt so honored to be chosen for staff. I have since had multiple moments of pure raw joy and happiness that too stick out in my mind. So tonight, I'm thankful for those moments and the people who are apart of them. The ones that love me and the people who care. The laughter they've brought, the tears of bliss, the passionate times, the heartful talks, the ridiculousness and the chaos that is my life. Today, especially, I'm thankful for you.

Ch3:Pg26: I was there, I remember

It's the simplicity in all of the chaos that you think about at the end of the day. Between the crazy events and the most random of trips, the moments when you're the way you are and those moments are beautiful. We walk with careful steps around the things we're afraid of. We walk and take the time to think about what we're saying and doing because our intentions may be good or bad and we're not sure where we went with them but we went there. Those simple little things that remind you of where you are in the world. I've realized this weekend after multiple talks that I am handling my transition from being an RA to being a one bedroom apartment renter as well as I can be. I was very used to having people around me all of the time and needing those moments to be alone that now I'm feeling like I need more moments around people because I'm living alone. Don't get me wrong, living alone is a good thing. It has given me many opportunities to learn more about myself and try to make do with my cooking skills. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm in the learning stages. Back to the simple things that we know all too well. Those blips of time that you can just throw your head back and laugh because it's simple, it's easy, and for just the little blip of time you don't have to think about the chaos and the fiascos. As for the end? It's unknown. Happy Monday everybody.

Ch3:Pg25: Trouble.

I Knew You Were Trouble is the name of one of Taylor Swifts new song. Like I mentioned earlier today, her new cd is fucking genius. My peers I'm sorry my blog is late. I don't make a habit of this but sometimes life just gets in the way. This weekend has been full of shenanigans. Absolutely full of them. Aby burned me "Red" the new T Swift album which was sah-weet. My body broke out in hives multiple times this weekend which was weird. I ate panera which was delicious. I drove around and listened to new and old music which was easy. I'm looking forward to checking out post secret after I write a little more which is my routine. I have flavored carbonated water waiting for me in the fridge and a nap with my name on it which sounds good. Ever had a weekend where life just got in the way and we just let life do what it pleases? Oh, oh, oh sometimes we let it just happen to see what the reactions will be. I don't have much else to write, I have ideas in mind for the week and I'll just need to hash out how they're going to play out. This week I'll start working with Heidi, she's one of the RDs at MidMich who mainly does Nutrition support so a lot of tube feedings and TPN things and what have you. I think this week will kind of be a jumbled mess because of days off and Thanksgiving and limited numbers of dietitians on board, but maybe that will make it fly by faster. Maybe. I need to eat something and I need to watch Gossip Girl. Watch out for life everyone.

Ch3: PgBreak: Pants on fire.

It's late. It's early. The truth and the truth alone will set you free. Don't you agree? Isn't it hilarious how some people interpret what I say in this blog to fit their own need for what they'd like to believe? The truth will always surface eventually, especially when you're trying your hardest to stomp it out. Stomp out the fire on your pants first. You'll feel better, promise. http://graceandbalance.blogspot.com/2012/10/ch3pg6-come-to-me-i-want-to-hug-you.html P.S. Go to that link, it's one of my posts from a while ago. I was excited for a pizza dinner date I was about to go on with a boy who lives in my apartment complex, things didn't last which was most likely for the best. But it wasn't what you thought now was it? I'll leave you to it.

Ch3: Pg24: We're Biding Time

I don't but I do. Today was once again a day in my clinical rotation. Tomorrow I have accomplished officially half of the "clinical" rotation! Sadly, there's four additional weeks after these 10 that are considered "Staff Relief" but I'm already pretty much doing that. Next week I'll start working with Heidi, she's one of the RDs there but works mainly with nutrition support. This will gain me a lot of TPN and Tube Feeding experience. I've had two classes on it now, studied a little about it in undergrad, and I have worked with a couple of patients who are on tube feedings or TPN etc. Working with Heidi will change things up and then it's just pushing through January...blah. That seems so far away! I have really enjoyed working at MidMich, but in my one morning working in an outpatient setting in the Diabetes Center, something tells me I like that so much more. I think it stems back to why I became an RA I love talking with people and listening to them. I like to help them as well but mostly I just enjoy interacting with people on a different level and I really enjoy listening. I've been told that I'm starting to swing back to some sophomore tendencies that I'm pretty okay with. I do think I've lost pieces of me that I'm gaining back and pieces of me I've never known before. It's a process and one I intend to continue, well for the rest of my life. Sigh, I'm starving and I'm waiting on my acorn squash to cook. If you've not tried acorn squash yet, you need to get on that quick. It's really delicious and you can put all kinds of toppings on it! I joined a gym "Planet Fitness" as I said in a previous post. It felt good to get back on an elliptical and it was much easier on my knee. What irritates me is that my knee is still a factor and I was told that around now I wouldn't have even known I'd had surgery. Not the case. I really need it to keep getting stronger so I can snowboard this winter. I really missed out last snow fall and I don't want to miss out again. Are you getting ready for winter? Layering up on clothes and possibly a few pounds? You may laugh at that but it's true that people gain more weight around this time of year and not just because of the holidays. My vegetablearianism (say that out loud) is going well. I haven't noticed any hard changes yet because I rarely make meat anyways, but it does make my body feel better. I still wonder sometimes what made me pick dietetics. I don't but I do. I think about it a lot and I'm okay with my choice, believe me. If I wanted to switch later in life I could, no one is really tied down to one occupation. What if I want to be a cake decorator? Or a professional dancer? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, and yeah I have chips to go with that cheesy phrase. Do you don't but you do? Do you know what I'm saying? I don't but I do. See you tomorrow bloggy.