Ch5:Pg4: Dignified introverting

Sometimes as an intern you spend a lot of time in the car. For example, I drove to Mount Pleasant this morning to work at thePlate Boutique for an hour and a half, then drove back through Midland all the way to Saginaw for class with the new Spring interns from 1-4 and back to Midland. Spending that much time in the car not only helps me feel more confidant day after day with driving (we're all inexperienced drivers till maybe our late 20's early 30's in my opinion) but also gives me ample time for singing and thinking. The guilt I felt yesterday is still a layer on my skin, there's make up on my face, dried sweat from my work out, and theres a lot more below the surface of my skin. Let me share my grocery list with you tonight, maybe it'll inspire you and you too can be called the "produce girl" as I was tonight by two separate people (mind you they both work at Family Fare and must notice that I constantly mainly by fresh produce). List: Spinach pasta noodles (DELICIOUS and nutritious), 1 yellow pepper, 2 red peppers, 1 orange pepper, 1 lime, 2 apples, 4 bananas, soy milk, 1 box cereal, garlic, 2 cartons of strawberries (buy one get one free, how can you resist?), 1 can of black beans and garlic & basil pasta sauce. All very satisfying foods and since I already had sweet potatoes I'll be making sweet potato burrito salads minus the tortilla lol. I like being a vegetarian. I almost bought frozen Okra but since I tried it fresh down south in Alabama with my sister and only kind of liked it I passed for now. It's possible I'm becoming a food snob. I'm definitely alright with that. I just got a package from Amazon with my book + Dvd for (drum roll....) Forks over Knives! I'm looking forward to reading and watching this documentary. I honestly can't believe it's Thursday night and that February is upon us. Time is definitely passing quickly and I hope, readers, that you are enjoying these posts and maybe gaining something too. My dear friend (for uh what like 17 or 18 years??) told me she was inspired and is now starting a blog of her own! That's pretty cool and I'm happy to hear feedback and things like that, it makes me smile a little. Lately I've thought about inner nobility and worth. Dignity is not pride. I think they're similar but different too..I'm not going into why, sorry. Keeping on track, dignity is important and I try to walk with it, to keep it in my eyes, movements, voice and cries. You can cry with dignity and I have mastered that art. No, I do not practice. I just think there is a kind of cry that gets released with dignity and possibly a stir of other ingredients as well. It's a kind that maybe the tears don't fall but the dignity of them is there and if one was to look into your eyes they'd see right into your soul at that very moment. Food for thought. How is going to Mount Pleasant every day you're wondering? Well, internship wise it's fantastic and I'm extremely happy at this rotation. Being in Mount Pleasant presents its challenges and driving to and fro has its ups and downs. The whole town has changed to me and I wish you could see me now. Off I go to make lunches and clean up. Dignified and fighting, G. P.s. readers if you're interested in watching this documentary with me please let me know (:

Ch5:Pg3: Aches & Guilts

Woah. Wednesday? Already? What happened to Tuesday and Monday and New Years and Christmas? Goodness me. It's close to 11pm and leaving my blog to the last hour wasn't a grand idea but I actually didn't have time to do it earlier. I woke up at 6:30 (go me!) and ran at the gym, relaxed a little and drove to Mount Pleasant. Driving on 20 is a rather boring drive but the singing time is spectacular. I spent time at thePlate Boutique from 10-7 actually and realized how hungry I was for dinner when I got home. Luckily, I had things on hand that I could whip together (not to mention left overs sent with me from home from my mama) and I finally sat down and hid my phone, kept the computer away and watched Big Bang Theory on dvd. I may be having "TV dinners." But at least my dinners are home cooked and fresh and healthy. After just a episode of relaxation it was go mode for finishing my clinical binder, my staff relief binder and the miscellaneous things that go in between. Blah. Aside from all of that today presented a challenge to me that I was well prepared for but still feel guilty about. I "pray" at night time and I put that in quotes because so many people count "praying" as a solely religious act and my prayers are not. They're not to a God in particular they're just prayers of strength and guidance for individuals I care deeply for. Family, friends, beloved pets, events, people, my cat...I go through a small faith like pattern at night where I relax my mind so to try and avoid a recurring nightmare that seems to want to stay, and to close the day with one last ounce of strength, courage, grace, and perseverance. I would like to explain more but I'm tired with thoughts and work and guilt. I don't like guilt. Slightly discouraged but sure on faith and the desire to fight and continue trying with everything and anything and beyond, J.

Ch5:Pg2: How do I do this?

Phew. What a drive home that was. Today is day two at thePlate Boutique and I must say how much I love the atmosphere and am enjoying the new experiences. One of the RDs from MidMich emailed me recently because she wasn't around for my last week there. She wanted me to know how hard working I was and how much I grew etc, etc. It's very nice to get that reassurance and to be complimented. That doesn't sound vain does it? Oh well. I discussed "reassurance" with a dear friend of mine recently and it just makes you feel grounded. It's a good feeling. Some people and close friends are telling me a similar thing and I believe them but then I get back to my apartment and think, yeah but what do I do? The answer is nothing. The elephants in the room are shoved to the corner or chilling on my balcony and for right now there's just nothing I can do. I wrote a product review today which I enjoyed and I'm going to start writing future articles, tweets, statuses etc for when I can start my own blog as an RD. I originally thought I would go that direction beginning this one but I don't feel legit giving out info just yet. Let me pass that RD exam and then I'll be advertising and marketing my new blog. There are some new job ideas lighting up in my eyes that I'm starting to think would be great to pursue, private practice is among them and I think it would be a great fit for me. My little back burner thought though is how, well, okay so I'm looking through articles about blogging, marketing, internet savy-ness, being technologically with it and while I feel I'm up to date I'm not perfectly savvy. No one is perfect but this is an area I'd like to work on. Yada yada though so I haven't purchased groceries yet this week, I got to spend time with Rachell today after work which was great (: $1 margaritas and yummy food is always good and junking/thrifting is fun too! I drove through awful fog, lightening, thunder and pouring rain (also some mild hydroplaning which was nerve wracking). I worked out with virtual (dvd) Jillian Michaels and am calling it a night here soon. I have running to do in the morning, an easy three miles and work and hang outs and hopefully a little grocery shopping and finishing/wrapping up my clinical binder. In this moment I feel like, WOAH I have a lot of little things to accomplish in the next day and a half...it'll all get done though and it will work out. After my work out I stood outside when I went to grab my mail. I let the rain pour around me and I looked up letting the droplets splash around my face. I opened my palms in acceptance and had one of those moments I crave. The moments when I'm just alive and I'm just "being" and there is nothing else in that moment that I need to do. It's like standing by the water, it's like listening to someone's heart beat, it's like watching the storm and praying for peace, it's like standing still in the midst of chaos with a storm approaching but you're grounded and steady. I'm never sure how to leave those moments. I don't like to leave them because they quiet my mind. Alas, I left it and walked up the three flights, sat with my kitty for her daily dose of snuggles since she tends to miss me during the day and am writing to you all as she purrs on my lap. I hope you all have those moments, if not I encourage you to try and get out of your body and have them. Feel them. It's okay to feel, it's okay to be afraid and to have blind hope. It's okay to fight as long and as hard as you want to. Fighting, J.

Ch5:Pg1: She will be --

"She in her madness prays for storms, and dreams that storms will bring her peace." Tolstoy. --- Greetings, readers. Welcome to Chapter five! We never thought we'd get here huh? I'm very happy in my new rotation at thePlate Boutique in downtown Mount Pleasant. I can't not say how I'm also a little excited to be near Jimmy Johns and Max n' Emilys...Kind of love both of those places. So, Mount Pleasant, I'm back. I'll be working in the store with Kati Mora and learning more about entrepreneurship (I'm honestly surprised I spelt that right on the first try), writing for newspapers/magazines, writing reviews on products (which is my job tomorrow) and learning more about owning a business. Since my parents have owned Twin Lake Installations for a long time I do know a little bit about it, but this is a whole new side and a side that I am very eager to dip my feet into...let's face it I'm totally wanting to just dive right in. So readers in Mount Pleasant (sorry to my international readers) come stop in to thePlate Boutique right across from Max n' Emilys and see my face, talk with Kati, shop the store and tell your friends too! The first thing I learned today? Owning your own business or writing and blogging and all that jazz, is all about what you put into it and how are you're willing to push. I'm a pusher. That's okay and I like that about myself. I'm used to doing programs (for RA) and having them be very successful or totally bomb. It doesn't mean you stop trying. Chapter five is going to be stellar, my hours are awesome, I'm stoked for as many projects as I can handle and I do like being in Mount Pleasant for this time because it's not like it was before. I'm not an undergrad I'm a graduate student, I'm not an RA anymore and I'm not walking around campus or eating in the cafeteria. It's just different. The rest of my day? Well, training today for me was running 4 miles this morning in the rain, ice, and crunchy 2 inches of snow that as the "side walk." I didn't run that fast but you try running through snow, it brought back memories of walking through it on the Appalachian Trails..but we're not going there. I went to Mount Pleasant, grabbed Froyo with my girl Becky and went to yoga with Caitlin. A nice way to finish the evening, the roads were good for driving back to my lil home in Midland and even though I have a headache I'm pleased about the day and ready to call it a night soon. There was an interesting interaction today in thePlate Boutique which I knew things like this would pop up eventually. Sigh. However, I'm sleepy and ready to get out of my head and away from my headache. Sleeping and running have been two of the greatest and almost only way to get my head completely cleared and quiet. I like it. I tend to start and/or end with a quote, so here we go. "Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway." -Eleanor Roosevelt. Thanks Eleanor, despite anyone who would criticize or disagree with my choices..I think my heart and I continue to make the right ones as best we can. Praying for storms that bring peace, J.

ChBreak: SOS

Good morning, afternoon and evening Saturday. We woke up on little sleep and odd dreams preparing ourselves for the seven miler today! I simply can't eat in the morning before I run so I packed a Gu along for the ride. Kelsey and I were feeling pretty good & kept a decent pace. It's a lot harder (go figure) running in the snow packed roads where we had close falls and close ankle twisting experiences. The run felt great and at the end of 7 miles I was like, yup..okay cool. Not apathetic but I felt like it was just a little jog around Twin Lake and that felt great but I wasn't in any real pain etc. Thoughts? Here we go: Snow is kind of like sand but slipperier, My ass is freezing, my lips feel so dry, Kelsey and I have a pretty good pace, glad to see some people out walking and enjoying the sunshine, that looks like a dark cloud of death over the lake, and I really need to poop. Overall, a successful 7 mile run this morning topped off with warming up by the fire, eating and eating some more, and enjoying the hot tub. Naps and lounging, checking for puppies, tooling around Target and Barnes & Nobles, making delicious vegetarian burritos for dinner and leaving the rest of the evening open for whatever. I have some work to get through tomorrow and some side writing to do. My apologies for a week of blah postings, I'm still struggling to get back into this the way I want to. There are so many ways in which I'm told to be strong and to keep carrying on. There are so many things running through my mind and so many things I have to compartmentalize. -and I've been trying to do it right. I've been trying to do right for a long time, all the time. This isn't to say I'm perfect and don't do things wrong, but I'm trying. See, this writing isn't working because I'm holding back and I'm not sure how to write about things right now. Please, I'll say. Just please. J

Ch4:Pg20: Bring the blankets & I cover up my face

Chapter three and four have finally come to a close. My last day of Clinicals/Staff Relief is over and was nothing short of crrrrazy. Not a terribly "busy" day but definitely a different kind of day. I went along with one of our Dietitians to listen in on some home tube feeding educations. I had some of the longest and over detailed education sessions today and I typed my final notes. I don't know when clinical work will come back into my life, but I did learn a lot and that's not giving myself enough credit. That's just saying, Hi I learned a lot in the last fourteen weeks. Well for goodness sakes I hope I did! FOURTEEN weeks people. It's been a trip. I really liked doing educations when the patients or family members requested them. I enjoyed feeling like I was helping people while helping myself become more and more confidant & knowledgeable. I'm starting to think that a good starting job may be in a nursing home/ extended care facility. Aby and I discussed this yesterday as most hospitals want "experience." Well, I need job/career experience. It's time to get real that career jobs are in my future and FINALLY I will start getting actual pay checks again. I can't tell you how depending on others (i.e my family) for money when I'm short or someone pitching in to buy something because I really want it. I'd like to continue to improve on budgeting. My budget might go more towards organic foods and new things to try and eat but I'm still all about eating cheap & completely healthy. I said my goodbyes to the dietitians and walked out of that hospital for the last time as an intern. I got on the snowy roads that I didn't know were going to get worse as my journey continued home. Slowly but surely I made it to a snow covered (10-12 inches) Muskegon, Michigan. My mom had sweet potato soup and a sweet potato burrito ready for me and I ate the heck out of that. I was STARVING!!! AH! Delicious. Spending a nice night with mama, ran 3 miles on the treadmill and catching up on the Biggest Loser. Tomorrow Kelsey and I are running 7 miles. Garsh I'm distracted from writing as I'm watching the Biggest Loser and not only am I a sap but it just makes me want to be a home visiting dietitian. I want to help families eat healthy and love their bodies and the way they fuel them. My voice is crackly as I sang the whole way home and I'm tired from the way I felt this week. The nightmares are waring on me and I've been battling old battles that are bound to stick around but I'm bound to keep fighting. Cheers to me and the other interns hitting milestones, we're almost there. I have four more rotations, each are three weeks. Chapter five, I welcome you. The things that will carry on from chapter one and the things I can never see coming. Turning pages, J.

Ch4:Pg19: Shelling

Leadership, is Leadership, is Leadership - Collin Powell. Today was my second to last day at MidMich Medical Center wahooo. It was a relaxing day with some length interesting diet education sessions. A fun lunch and a hug goodbye to one of the RD's as she will not be there tomorrow...tomorrow will likely drag on BUT I'll spend it the best I can. We had class today in Saginaw about Social Media which was a cool topic to get more information about. Aby and I made some of the most random dinner combinations everrr and took off to listen to Collin Powell speak at CMU. Like I said. CMU is different for me everytime I go back. Nothing is the same and more seems to change. I'm not in the mood to write (I warned you about this this week) but I promised myself I would write every day. Wish for dry roads with me tomorrow as I treck on home. Garsh I'm tired of this post already. I'll make it up to you I promise. I just can't do it right now. Tonight, Introverting, J.

Ch4:Pg18: Justice

Wednesday Schmendsday. I went to work and due to some glitches in our computer system had to clear about 150 patients from our consult list that weren't meant to be there lol. I didn't mind it because it was tasky and exactly what I needed after my dreams and my morning. The same dream occurs over and over again. It's really hard to wake up and be spunky after it. Sometimes it's just about taking a gulp of strength and putting one foot in front of the other. So, work, ran, elliptical, Bay City, grocery shopping, making random meals, sitting, laughing, no water, leaving and driving 50 the whole way home because the roads were getting pretty nasty. I'm all discombobulated in my mind at the moment. Tomorrow is hectic with lots of little travels, work, Saginaw for class, Midland, Mt Pleasant, Midland...SLEEP. Ugh. I want more and more sleep and am denied it each day (mind you I do get 7-8 hrs which is great). I have lately needed to wake up and command myself to get out of bed similar to The Hunger Games when Katniss reminds herself of her daily tasks. I really liked that first book, just not so much the second or third. I have other books to read anyways. So. Tomorrow is looking hectic, I'm looking forward to Chili & Avocado (try it if you haven't) and I'm hoping roads get better for my travels home this weekend. I do. Blargh. Anywho. Puppies on their way, clinicals are drawing to a close...and I'm done writing for the night. I can't write the way I want to right now. I leave you with this: - I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.” ― Mahatma Gandhi. Never give up. Ever.- J.

Ch4:Pg17: Making the old new again.

OMG GUYS IT'S SO COLD. Go figure it's January. It irritates me a little how everyone writes about it but that's what we do on Facebook, that's alright. Well, yes, it is cold. I'm sitting here in the office wishing my sweater had longer sleeves and also daydreaming of the heated blankets in the hidden corridors of the hospital. I'm working on a plane ride down to Montgomery, Alabama. I want to go to take more pictures for my sisters engagement AND I would like some sunshine and time with her (: MMM sunshine, yummy vitamin D. I think I may start doing a little tantan, it's not like I'm already orange and it's not that I'd go a whole lot. In fact, a friend was telling me about some research for Vegans and how they can benefit from occasionnel tanning. Not that I'm a complete vegan, just vegetarian but I agree with it none the less. I try to maintain my vitamin and minerals through my diet but a little boost wouldn't hurt. I'm all tuckered out from a hard strength training work out, I'm full of delicious soup & beans, and I'm curled in bed ready to sleep. I warned you that this week wasn't going to be great for writing...I'm super excited to be done with staff relief and start my new rotation. Traveling to Mount Pleasant everyday will be interesting but here's a thought. The farther out I get from CMU in terms of undergrad, the more it changes with each visit. Meaning, I come to Mt Pleasant now and it's never the same as the last visit. Being there isn't the same, I'm not the same, nothing is the same. It's just different. Things that are old can be made new again. New is good and new can be better. Old isn't bad but new isn't either. This goes for a multitude of things. I often think about an apartment there that I'd like to live in and I think about all of my options next year. Anywho. CMU is a different place to me now. Everything's different. This blog post is near finished because I'd like to go to sleep soon. I need to read and work on a few things and I hope you all are staying cozy and warm. Drink tea or coffee with good flavors and curl up the best you can. Warm hearted, J. P.s. Happy National Polka Dot Day.

Ch4:Pg16: A wallflower

Oh readers, this is a first. I have dreaded writing today. Needs and wants are interesting. Saying I need something isn't a bad thing and it isn't a concrete feeling either. It doesn't mean one thing. It never means one thing. A wallflower. I'm sorry for the blogs this week as they most likely will be lacking. Last Monday at the Hospital wooo. Busy busy day and a lecture on gastric bypass surgeries with the residents. No offense Mr and Ms "we're gonna be doctors!" But your fidgeting, texting, reading and leaving the room in a hurried fashion is completely disrespectful. Ugh. They're obnoxious at least in that moment they were just terrible. I went grocery shopping after lunch, I found that I absolutely love grocery shopping. I ventured home, layered up and went for a 4 miler run. I sweated through the snow globe effect I called it because the snow started falling around me gently like someone just set a shaken snow globe down. I ran and here are a few thoughts I had: It's cold, I'm hot, I'm smart, Choose to keep on living, you can do this..all of this and everything in between, my right hip hurts?, cold and slippery sidewalks, ahh I'm done. I did Jillian Michael's Kettle Bell work out. I made my mush of tofu, spinach, peppers, onion, veggies and garlic. I steamed cauliflower. I sat down ready to at least try and write this and I vaguely look back at this post thinking thumbs down. You have to choose to keep on living. Choosing, J.

Ch4: Last weekend:Free from Michigan

We listened to "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and other concerns)" by Mindy Kaling. I don't think I'd like it as much reading it myself as opposed to listening to it in the car (she reads it herself). It's almost like we're sitting with her listening to her read her book out loud (with no pauses). It's really funny so I definitely recommend it. Books make me feel more wholesome, that's a good thing. The trip to Akron, Ohio was easy and went by pretty quickly. We hung with her mama and ate delicious vegan brownies with peanut butter & soy milk on the side. My mouth sores still hurt but when they start going down, others tend to pop up :/ Moving on. I took the bike path down the hill from Aby's home today and went through trails and parks to run my 6 miles today for training. It felt like a stupendous run, because it was! My pace is something I'm very proud of, the dead skin on my feet is definitely falling off lol and the geese only chased me for a little while. Here are some of those thoughts I love to share that I had while running/jogging this beautiful Saturday morning: This hill is steep and I have to go back up it?, I have no idea where I am in space but this park and trail is beautiful, google maps lead my way!, man there are a lot of geese, shit these three are honking and flapping their wings at me, SPRINT, RUN AWAY, jerks (the people standing near by laughing at me), ugh awkward I just saw this runner and now I'm following him and need to go around him, my feet hurt a little, this snot running down my face must look so attractive, my hair is dripping sweat, and close to the end my knee starting speaking up and then I sprinted, turned jog, turned slow hard run up the steep hill to finish with both fists in the air like Rocky. It was a great run. We have a full day packed as Aby just went over "The Plan" and I'm pretty stoked for all of it. I'll have my first ever Chipolte (sp?) (which is like Qudoba but better?) experience, attend a 4 yr old (her nephews) birthday party at a Fro-yo place, meet some of Aby's friends and eventually descend back into the comfortable air mattresses for sleep. I think after the run today, the sores and everything else I'll sleep better than a hibernating bear tonight. Weekends are short but I'm glad this one has taken me out of my element and to a new state. This coming week will have lots of hodge podgeyness which will make my LAST WEEK OF CLINICALS/STAFF RELIEF go by so much faster. Excited much? You betcha. The puppies are on their way (back home in Muskegon) so I hope to see them next weekend when I am home with my sister Kelsey (kenz should fly home) and my mom and dad :) Celebrating a huge chunk of the internship done, puppies, being Boehmes and other things we'll find to celebrate. I've reflected some on a certain matter that's in the back of my mind, I choose to let certain things stay in my life because I have a belief that they're meant to be there? Haha I don't know but that's all I have for now. I'm going to stretch and relax while Aby gets ready and check out pinterest because pinterest. Proud and freed today, J.

Ch4:Pg15: Moo.

Good afternoon, Readers. It's Friday and that means I officially have 5 more days of Staff Relief / Clinical. Yes, I am so close to the end of this rotation and looking back, I really have come a long ways. I've been completely independent for quite some time but when I look back on the first week I feel like I've grown and changed immensely as a student and soon to be dietitian. Next week will be full of extra tid-bits of fun starting with a Bariatric pre-surgery class, class half way through the week with fellow interns about social media (very much looking forward to this one) and then I'll be going home and celebrating the end of a long rotation. This morning I covered three different floors and it wasn't terribly busy (thankfully). Though, it's been a rather somber day in some ways for me. Many patients I've seen today have cancer with mets to multiple places on their body. It makes me think of The Fault in our Stars when one of the character says, "I had my PET scan, I lit up like a Christmas tree." Many of these patients are so sincere when I talk with them and try to encourage them to eat or try things etc. We're pretty slow now in terms of work load (i.e. I'm still at the hospital writing this post lol) and a lullaby was just played over our intercom. It's a first time for me hearing that and we're pretty sure that meant a baby was just delivered. A happy tune played to lift spirits and think of life, not just illnesses and deaths. JCAHO has been here. I was warned I could be asked questions about hospital codes and my status and watched as I visited patients but thank goodness the mob of people in suits with clipboards did not find me. I saw them once and turned around to find a different route down stairs. My mouth sores haven't changed that much but the Triflex I believe it's called (GROSS) is helping with the pain. In fact it makes all pain in my mouth disappear which I appreciate. I've never had such hunger pains like I had this afternoon, most likely related to the fact that I ran 3 miles at 5:15am this morning. YUP that's right. Then I jumped into a hot shower which I really needed seeing as half of my skin was red and blotchy from the cold, made a big pot of coffee, packed my car and made a big egg (yes I'm still eating eggs now for extra protein needs) sandwich. I needed extra food than what I brought for lunch and organic chocolate milk won (clearly). Just got the clear to leave, I wish you all a good weekend! Im headed to Ohio with my girl Aby to see her homefront. Your traveler with a numb drooling mouth, J.

Ch4:Pg14: Drool.

Second to last Thursday here...I can see the light! I can also see the doctors light looking at my mouth this evening. The sores are now irritating the bottom of my mouth underneath my tongue, the underbelly tongue has white splotches, my gums hurt, I have a headache, my stomach is upset, I thought at one point I was going to need to sit down today while I was charting on a patient. I got short of breath and my mom always told me as a little girl I held my breath sometimes...but this is just annoying. So off to the doctor I went. A viral infection of some sort is consuming my mouth. He's not sure what so cultures were sent off and I hope to have an antibiotic tomorrow. He gave me a "swish" to numb and apply some medicine to the sores. My mouth and tongue and lips are so numb I'm drooling like a bafoon. No joke. Sorry you get no pics tonight. Moving on. I woke up last night at 12:30am when the central alert system called me. I fell back asleep with worry but I am glad how they wrote the story about the incident and how she was smart. Not to say (AT ALL) that people who could have been in the same situation and didn't survive are not smart it's not about that. My dad taught me how to get out of holds and where to kick an attacker, I carry pepper spray with me, did this young woman? If she didn't that's alright but I'd like to see more education and awareness about self defense. It is about change and it is about hope that the world will get better but let's face it, "crazy" people and those who will hurt others are always going to be there. There are different changes maybe that can occur to lessen. The bad guys aren't going anywhere, be as prepared as you can and sometimes the ones who fight won't win and there is no perfect answer to every attack/situation. Believe me, I've lost before. Just something on my mind. Moving on. If you haven't read The Fault in our Stars, please pick it up and read it. It's a beautiful tragic story and there's love, there's loss, there's life and the little things that we all miss and adore. I've been thinking and trying to figure out what I want to do in the future. I love the idea of writing for magazines, newspapers, consulting for individuals in a community, owning my own business...this has been a dream as of late. I still love working with children, I don't mind clinical work, I like outpatient things, and I still want to dance haha. My options aren't limited, nobody's are. I just am thinking of the "now" feeling and how I'd like to own my own company sometime. Kelsey suggested I read some books about human habits and psychology which I'm looking forward to. To close.. This morning at the hospital the Big Bang Theory was the theme.. that and feeling like we were in a giant snow globe and me feeling sick. Off I go to sleep, remain numbed by mouth and wake early to run. I think this medicine also just made me a little loopy. Oh what a sight I'm sure I am. Infinities and always's, J

Ch4:Pg13: Moirai

The greatest endure the worsts. Those who persevere experience some of the hardest times. They find their ways. Like all the great ones. She told me she believed in fate because of what I talked about. She said it's the way you express it and it makes me believe that maybe there is fate. I reflect on this quite a bit and as I unpack and pack a tin rectangular box I notice how carefully everything fits inside. Like if one piece slips or shrinks or grew..it wouldn't fit anymore. I stared at it for a little while and knowing that it all perfectly fit made me happy. I could smile knowing where each puzzle fit in next to the other even if I tore it apart, it would be impossible for me not to solve it again. It's that kind of thing that makes me believe in fates. I mean fate can be anything and everything all at once. Fate's an interesting topic I'll have to tackle more later. Wednesday, we're already towards the end which is exciting because it means I get to read in bed and fingers crossed, dream sweetly. My mouth sores are spreading so I'll have to get that checked out tomorrow. Imagine having one canker sore but it being flat not a bump and it's spread like webs across your gums, cheeks, your bottom lip on the inside, the underbelly of your tongue and its sides. Yes they're quite painful but since I'm trying to cut back on salt, it helps that they're there because the smallest hints of salt make them burn. Enough of that. Want to hear about my last assignment for Clinicals? Of course you do! Try this on: Esophagogastrectomy. Did you try and say it? I've practiced it now so that when I'm talking with the patient I will sound like I took the time to get aquainted with the patient's condition. Pt (patient) also because of this has a J-tube (tube that we put tube feeding formula through into pt's small intestine) which will supply pt with nutrition for quite some time, though we're hopeful pt'll be able to eat small amounts again without it leaving the GI system far too unpleasantly and quickly. It's a pretty interesting topic so I'm eager to study it up a bit. Until Thursday comes, I wish you the comfort of night time and the peace that the stars tend to bring. Aw wasn't that cute? I'll leave you with this, "I fell....., the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." And that's okay, it makes me believe. Muscle achin, thirsty, ready for bed before 8:00, excited to finish a book, ready for the weekend and tired intern, J.

Ch4:Pg12: Feelin Snuggly.

Second to last Tuesday here at MidMich. Is that starting line getting old? So is this rotation. I love helping patients and doing education but my passions lye elsewhere. I am currently just sitting in the office and I could work on my nutrition care plan but I’m not feeling that right now. In fact I’m just not in a good writing mood. My faith and hope shivers with the windy cold air and my hands remain cold. Training is taking a few changes. More strength training and yoga and less extra cardio. I still am struggling to eat enough calories a day but I add almond slices to things, oils, more vegetables if that’s even possible sometimes, but if you have suggestions I’ll gladly take them. This is a different exciting struggle since I’m going into nutrition for a career and I’m the one not eating enough. Well folks, this post is short secondary to not feeling like writing, shivers and waves, and loss. I’m feeling snuggly.

Ch4:Pg11: Need more blankets & body heat

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.” “most people lose the ability to see silver linings or even though they are always there above us.” “I believe in happy endings," I tell him, "And it feels like this movie has gone on for the right amount of time.” I want to see the movie Silver Linings Playbook so badly. If you, readers, see it out or know exactly and precisely when I can see it please do me the honor and let me know. Today was my second to last Monday at MidMich Hospital. I'm really getting tired of the repetition but my Nutrition Care Plan (a homework assignment) patient is really interesting. Today I was also looking for some new information on a patient so I looked in the paper charts (which are still there but almost everything gets in the electronic medical records now. I opened up to folder to the progress note section to find two pictures of stage four decubitis wounds. There was a nurse near me and she said oh you've probably not seen pictures like that huh? I think I did throw up in my mouth a little. I felt uneasy after that, normally pictures and wounds don't make me too uneasy but that was too much. However, an integral part of healing said wounds is getting enough calories but more importantly protein in. I met with the patient and discussed his options, etc etc. It's not fair that the patient and others too who have those wound have them, because they come from being sedentary for prolonged periods of time. Now, I can't speak for everyone but some people become sedentary because their obesity is killing them, literally. I find this all really fascinating and I'm looking forward to hearing Aby's presentation about wound healing because it's more common of a problem than it has been in the past. Like I said, sometimes it's about preventing the almost inevitable and other times it's completely preventable. I tried to think about that on my run today, "Don't ever stop being active, you will always use your body as much as you can!" Yeah that was a nice thought until my run went right down the drain as I tripped on some snow that was much crunchier than I anticipated. I went down and landed on my left shoulder which hurt but I was so cold that it wasn't too bad. I got up and brushed the snow off, assured the now slowing down car that I was okay with a nod and a smile even if I had a few tears that broke through and kept going. It was just supposed to be a four mile run, it was not intimidating to me. The thoughts I began to feel were as follows: Ouch, I am fucking freezing, my stomach hurts so bad, just keep going just keep going, it's the eye of the tiger don't give up! Rocky never gave up!, where the hell is the silver lining here, this is icy, I need to slow down more, my head is sweating and now that I'm slow it's cold, my stomach hurts bad, I think I'm going to vomit, my music is nice, omg I have .3 miles left. Yes, those were my thoughts. Now that I can feel my body again and I'm comfortably cozy underneath three blankets and layers of clothes, I sip my coffee and water and my muscles are tightening as we speak. I had to choke down food because my stomach offered no support to it post run. I don't have energy at the moment and I want more hot beverages. Here is one moment where I wish someone else was here because my Cat can't make me tea. That's alright, I'll finish this and suck it up. The bonus for my run that I couldn't wait for earlier this morning? It, like my other runs, blocks my mind from thinking about anything. It's my chance to shut off and use my body. I can't even try to think about anything because I can't focus on it. I think it's my body and minds way of granting me a free pass to turning off. There you have it folks, the answer. I need that tea now, more water, probably more food, more blankets, and soon sleep. Beat up from the run and proud to push myself, J.

Ch4:Weekend2end: Someone, someone who hears

Oh good morning, afternoon and evening Sunday. You're once again here and ending all too quickly. I woke up and was perfectly content sleeping more but I knew I needed to work out early because Rachell was coming over! I did the Jillian Michael's kettle bell work out today which was good and challenging. Rachell got here and we ventured to Pizza Sams for delicious pizza (I can't wait to eat my left overs tomorrrowwwww) and roamed the mall ending with coffees and cookies (: quite delightful if you ask me (: I'm done with grocery shopping thank goodness because it started hailing and sleeting outside. I hope it's not icy tomorrow though I can't complain about my 3 minute commute. The internship is still going very well I am just so ready for a new rotation! Clinicals has taught me many things but I'm ready for new challenges and projects. My next one will be working with the Plate Boutique and hopefully involve some journaling as well. I'm pumped to switch it up and keep growing as a almost dietitian! The time is drawing near to start studying for the RD exam, I'm nervous but excited to challenge my mind. I like challenges, I like magazines, I like writing, drawing, collaging, listening to my record player play. I like squirrels, cheese, candles, warmths, comforting things. I like pillows and alarms, balconies and sunshine, mason jars and trunks. I like cats and dogs, working out, running, pretty things, clean things, washing dishes, sitting, standing, walking and dancing...I like so many things. I don't like the mouth sores consuming the lining of my cheeks and gums and tongue, but I like the hydrogen peroxide taking the pain away. I like car trips and singing, talking and talking some more. I like laying and talking. I like so many things. Nothing is different about the way I feel. I did get my hair cut which feels stupendous. I have been renting a lot of movies lately. I like movies and stories and reading and writing. I like so many things. So many, many things. P.s. older by a few months photo. Till kingdom come, J.

Ch4:Weekend2: Must eat oatmeal...

Five miler came and went! I held a steady 12:21 pace which is good for my long runs. My short runs are getting much faster and my form I think is pretty good too. This run brought a few problems/issues to light while running. Here were some of my thoughts. It's January and I'm in thick leggings and a tshirt, I hope my running pin stays on my waist, did that car just honk at me?, Oh no I have to pee, my arches are aching a little, it's warm but the wind is cold I can't feel my hands anymore, why won't my nose stop running?, what kind of oatmeal should I make when I'm back, I'm hungry, EYE OF THE TIGER Speeeeed up, the sun over that field is gorgeous, stupid twig and I finished with Pump it by the Black Eyed Peas. It was a grand run and I'm really proud of my pace. Now I had decided on oatmeal with peanut butter, 1 tbsp cream and 1 tbsp mini chocolate chips. It's delicious. While I like chocolate though, I didn't need a tbsp, it's almost too much because it tastes like a nobake cookie and I'd rather it just taste like a peanut butter with hints of chocolate cookie. I feel like I understand more why after half/full marathons people are wrapped in those foil lookin things. I'm trying to type but my hands are still regaining normal feeling and I'm wrapped in all my clothes I ran in, an extra sweatshirt, my slippers and a big fleece blanket. I'm still cold lol. Schmitty is enjoying the sun by stretching out and soaking up her rays through my balcony window. My apartment is slightly messy and I'm very okay with that, I have some recipes I'd like to try making today or tomorrow, I have a little homework I could work on and I have reading, moving things, shopping, hair cutting and all sorts of things I could do today. Must do all of the things! Including trying to finish this oatmeal which without the addition of nuts/almond slices today, the consistency is harder for me to choke down haha :) I wish you all a stupendously triumphant Saturday. Proud and proud to be proud, J.

Ch4:Pg10:Never

I made a typo, these are common for me, with my titles and this is actually pg 10 and there were two pg 6's. Oh well. Here we are Friday night. My mouth is covered in mouth sores and I don't know why. My dear friend Samantha visited yesterday and albeit we didn't get to spend a ton of time together it's quality not quantity. Her puppy is so great too! A perfect fit (: The hospital work was very busy because one of our RD's called in today...the flu is getting rampant. More and more people are coming in with influenza A and more often I'm gowning/masking/gloving up before I go into rooms. I'm trying not to get sick and I'll try to keep it that way. Switching topics, here are some things I have learned about the drive thru: 1) Just because they have stopped taking your order does not me they can't hear you (ppl didn't get this at McDonalds. I also was in line at Panera this evening and after saying my order and saying thank you, before I could drive forward I sneezed a god awful loud one. They said bless you and giggled. 2) You can talk normally to the intercom 3) You should always try to have easily functioning doors/windows 4) You should try not too say anything too hilarious before you order because you or someone you're with may get the uncontrollable giggle fits. and 5) Take your time. That was just something I was thinking about while waiting in line for my take out Panera dinner. Want to hear a sad slightly awkward story? We got a consult to do a Renal diet education and the RDs tend to give me any educations so that I get more practice of course. So it's after lunch and I'm all jolly I get up to the room and there's no one there and the custodians are cleaning. The room number is listed under discharge/transfer on the nurse's board and so I find the nurse and ask HI, I'm one of the dietetic interns, could you tell me if X moved to a different room? I'm supposed to give them education before they go home. The RN who already looked a bit off, just said oh, dear, she just passed. Like that. I didn't know what to say except that I felt awkward and mortified and I could feel my cheeks blush. The RN patted me on the shoulder and said our lives go on so we can keep trying to help people. Part about being a human though, is learning to accept your limitations. I'm finding mine or rather have found some of mine. Start by drinking our cheap bottles of wine and we'll sit talkin up all night. Daydreaming, J.

Ch4:Pg8: Good.

Sam got here around 3:30pm and the time to follow was spectacular :) That's all I can write as we must refill our mason jars.

Ch4:Pg7: Cope with words and dreams

When you wake up from a dream that's not necessarily worse than a nightmare but waking up from it is not necessarily any better. To cope I get out of bed a find my way to my kitchen for a glass of water. I usually can't drink it because I had a bad taste in my mouth despite my rigorous mouth/teeth routine before bed time. I get warmer clothes on so the heat helps me settle back into sleep mode faster and generally my cat comes up and curls next to me and purrs. It's like my own cat lullaby to start drifting away. Lately I'm finding it harder to fall asleep again in general. My mind just does not want to turn off so I do something I believe is called squared breathing to help me relax my mind and turn off. You breathe in for four, hold it for four, let it out for four, and hold for four. It's the holding for four after you've expelled all the air that's the most relaxing. I do that for some time and then just start to think of a calming voice telling me to relax every part of my body, head to toe. Sometimes my mind gains control and starts going off in its tangents but sometimes it doesn't. I've been going to bed around 9:30pm each night most likely not falling asleep until 10:15-:30 ish. I feel less crampy and better rested today minus my wake up at 4:30 this morning. Sometime's it's dreams that you can't get out of your mind and sometimes it's words. You might see a set of words, someone else's words, think of a memory full of words, think of your own words or whatever but they start flashing at you like bright lights on a dark night trying oh so hard to get your attention. It's nice to let them flash and not think or assume anything. To just see words and let them pass you by. However, it's not easy to not think especially for me and I'm okay with that about myself. It's a part of me I would not trade. In fact I don't think there's any part of me I would trade. I like what I'm doing and I'm trying my best here. I thought this morning around 4:30 (ugh) that the words I saw and the dream I had would make me feel differently. But I felt the same and I can't do much to change things because I'm tired. I turned my phone back off and tried to curl underneath my covers, schmitty behind me, and tried to stop the noise going off in my mind like bombs. I'm sure this sounds dramatic or over thought but give me a break. I'm just writing what comes to mind and you're interpreting it how ever you'd like. One thing I know for sure, dreams and words and words and dreams for me continue to go hand in hand. This time I woke up from the dream and missed everything. Dreams can be spectacularly missable. Words and people are missable too. However, you can't change what other people say, I can't change what you say, you can't change what I say, but you can control and change what you say. Thinking of words, I'd like to rent the movie, "The Words." It looked pretty decent from the trailer but that might just be because of the music. Music gets me in a trailer every time. Like the trailer for a movie about a Tsunami, that alone plus the music and I pulling my head back trying not to let tears spill! I am sitting currently at the hospital, we're done an hour early but I can't really ask to leave buuut let's hope I get to go soon. I saw a lot of patients today and finally did some different educations that did NOT involve the words heart healthy or low sodium. I think this post is getting long and I wrote the majority of it this morning. Coping and loving, J.

Ch4:Pg6: People help the people.

Woah Tuesday, back off. I'm not feeling well right now at all. I slept kind of restlessly and had a much to familiar nightmare last night. It's been recurring every so often and I have never had a nightmare make me wake up screaming. I've had others where I struggle in my sleep and curl around once awoken. ERgh. The rest of the day was fine and I'm so exhausted I am feeling another very early bed time. I've mentioned this small issue before but I'm on a three month birthcontrol pack leaving me with one period every three months. That is not to say I'm on a period but I'm having bad back aches right now and cramps. Ugh. Complain complain. That's okay. I'll sleep early and try to ease my mind of the nightmares from before. The floor I was covering today had a whopping three people to start but progressively more (that we got consults for) towards the afternoon. I saw more patients in the ICU and progressive floor and the day went on like it normally does. I did many educations today and then I went to the gym, did some hard cardio and finished up at home with Ab ripper x. I'm curled up with my pink sweatpants, comfy sweatshirt and mexican blanket and I am pooped. Today I had a moment at the hospital when I leaned by the window and stared at the beautiful sunrise letting me know that today was awakening and that it is still serene, that things are still moving and that my heart is still beating. I've been moved to tears lately at the hospital as I'm surrounded by patients who are reaching their ends and it's tragically sad how life spins on and we lose people and gain people and lose people and gain people. Just give me your hand and I'll hold it say's the lyrics of the song on a loop today. It makes me think of the gesture of holding a hand. It's comfort, it's reassurance, it's goofy, it's fun, it's strength and it's more than just holding. I held a patient's hand today. I held my cats paw last night while she snuggled against the curve of my body. I've held and been held. My hope is that we all have. We all need that every so often and even when we don't need it I hope we get it. I hope we need it and I hope we get what we deserve. Everyone deserves to be held. Hold someone soon or be held soon. Tell me it didn't comfort you :) don't forget to admit when you're tired and don't forget that it's a strength to say you struggle. I struggle and I'll never fault myself if I need a moment of weakness. Well, I'm rather exhausted and need to put dishes away, pack for the day tomorrow and get under the covers. Holding, J.

Ch4:Pg6: Come home

It's lunch time here at MidMich. We get an hour off and today I needed to get some things in order and determine a strength plan to complete with my training. I'm familiar with this plan and maybe after each month I'll share with you all what I did. Just because...I can! It'll go something like this Sunday:Yoga, Monday Wednesday and Friday are shorter runs and strength training. Tuesday and Thursday are active rest and core strength and Saturdays are the long runs. Can you believe it's going to be in the 50's Saturday!? I'm not entirely happy as I want to get up and snowboard sometime and I know I know I keep saying that but I really do want to go. I forgot my giftcard when I went into mount pleasant this Sunday for Yoga so I sadly couldn't get new snowboarding shoes. Now that I'm thinking about my board I hope I can just get new shoes and not bindings too. I'm not completely knowledgeable in this area but a girl can learn. I'm smart and don't laugh at that! So let's see. I've seen at least 12 patients already today so I feel pretty productive. I'll be working in the ICU after lunch. Seeing, oh, four patients? It's kind of a slow day and I knock on wood as I say that because I think I'd prefer that over a really heavy/busy day. Moving on though, because I don't have much else to say about the internship as of right now. If you're my friend on facebook you may have seen my new timeline photo. It's a trunk that I found for $5 at GoodWill and DUH I bought it. I started clipping magazines (thank god I read Cosmo's and Shape's) and decided that I'll paint it and collage the hell out of it. Then I started looking around my apartment (last night) and realized this of course is not the first of my collages. I have some hanging in my bathroom, my bedroom, and a clipboard and I have some at home too. Finding "power" or "strength" words has always been something that I've done. Well, finding them and posting them because oh god I'm trying to write but my forearms are tired from strength training today (I am now in my apartment and it's no longer lunch time, it's dinner time!). ANYwho. Okay so I have these collages, with statements about myself or things I believe in. For goodness sake I have a folder on my desktop full of these pictures I upload to the blog or things I just like or make me smile or make me laugh...I think it's important. I surround myself by things that make me happy and remind me about myself and who I am on the inside and out because that's who I am. Then I wrote in my other journal of free texts and thoughts I'm never quite sure when will be ready for this kind of blog the following: I hope someone loves me for it. What I felt and what I mean is it's such an important part of who I am as a human being and I want to be loved by people for that part of me. Maybe other parts too I mean I am hilarious but lets face it. This trunk I'm working on is showing me and reminding me (along with the similar collages I've previously made) that this is who I am and this is who I have been. This is what I do for me and for other people because I like to point out the wonderful things in them that make them extraordinary. I like doing this because I love you all of you and I love me too. Always have and always will. You can take that in different ways. As the reader you might think I said, "she loves me, all parts of me inside and out" or you might have thought I meant "I love you [readers] all of you" like a quantity. Whatever you took that as please believe me. I tell you that I love you and that's never an easy feat. It feels good to say the word love, because that's me and I am love and I love to love. This mushy gushy lovey dovey blog post brought to you today with 3 spectacularly ran miles, strength trained body and vegetables, beans and meatless meatballs. Full of it, J.

Ch4:Weekend1b: Circles of life.

When something or someone is apart of your life for a substantially long period of time...it's hard to understand when they're gone. I think I wrote a similar blurp like this before but as I wrote then, I'm not all that familiar with deaths. Deaths in my family have been few and far in between. I do not remember when my Aunt died when I was little though I know I really loved her of course and I sadly don't remember my grandparents passing away either. Some people have told me that maybe that's lucky and I don't know what I think of it. Deaths of animals/cherished pets is something I can relate to more. We have had many dogs and cats for that matter. We used to have horses and we still have a bird that my sister has to take to Alabama since it's technically hers. There have been rodents of all sizes and pets that we've watched for others. We have a dog named Zeigan who has been with us for a very long time. Some thirteen or fourteen years. He's got bad hips now and other aspects of old age in his prime he was a fantastic sidekick/hunter with my dad and I'm sure even now he'd still hunt well. Zeigan even got hit by a car once and was wagging his tail in no time. He's been our guardian as he now permanently stays home with my mom. The sad part is that we've known Zeigan hasn't been doing very well lately and he's struggling with movement and it's coming to that time where his pain needs to be gone. It does make me choke up a bit. He's such a goofy oafy hairy dog that we all love very much. This post is rather somber and that's all I want to say right now except that I wish I could pet him if the vet visit is soon. I worked at a Vet office once and was there experiencing one family's pet being put down and it was hard enough when it wasn't your own pet. Okay. I'll try to move forward now. It's Sunday. The weekend is coming to a close which is slightly a bummer but I'm closer to being done with staff relief and that is a blessing. Schmitty is snuggling comfortably between my legs, my apartment has been completely cleaned now, groceries were bought (must find recipe with red raddish....) and Hot Yoga was done this morning with Caitlin. The yoga was great! It was mentally recharging and still challenging in some regards but everyone was beginners and it was peaceful and fun. I've got this trunk near me to paint and I want to modge podge magazine clippings onto it as well. I made myself a cup of coffee for this chilly day and practice the ukelele. I also video chatted with my mom and sisters this afternoon (: it's always fun doing that and Kenzie was able to show us her fiance's brother's new puppy who is adorable (Letti is her name). I guess I'm just giving you a summary of my day so far and that's because I don't think I could clearly say what's all on my mind but I do need to find that raddish recipe..or I'll just boil them and see how it goes. A favorite quote to leave you with "Live in the sunshine. Swim the sea. Drink the wild air." (Emerson) Zeigan, you will not go alone. Reflective, J

Ch4:Weekend1: Gorgeous Chaos

Oh man was today pretty productive. Does that sound promising? It is I promise. Ugh I'm using a lot of "P" words which I just don't like really, at all. Anyways. I woke up and took a "gu" gel shot, drank some water and headed out the door feeling really good about the upcoming 4 mile run. My run was actually 4.33 miles according to Mapmyrun.com but I'm not complaining. I jogged slowly and with as good of form as I could. The "long" runs throughout training which are all on Saturdays are supposed to be run 1 to 2 minutes slower than your tempo pace. This was a nice slow but steady run/jog and the music was nice, the sun was shining and I felt solid. It was pretty cold but you warm up quickly. This was the first run in a while that I didn't experience indigestion on. I can't tell you how nice that was. Morning runs seem to be my go to then! That'll be easier once I switch rotations. One week of staff relief is done and my was it a busy one! I am counting down the days till I'm done with this full rotation. I have learned a lot but it gets a little repetitive. That's okay, sometimes that's how you learn. So. I ran. I showered. I ate delicious oatmeal with peanut butter in it and oooh did I miss peanut butter. I made my list of things I needed to do today and though it felt long I got to stroll the mall, read a little in Barnes and Noble, found an awesome trunk I'm going to refinish from good will for five bucks!!! I now find myself in a cleaned apartment, decorations are taken down, candles are lit, tea is on and Schmitty is snuggling with me adorably. I also find myself watching the final Harry Potter movie. Lol shout out to my momma who watches and knows the stories/movies more than anyone I know! It's warm and cozy here and I kept my mind and body active today. I also set up my record player which is pretty wicked and I can't wait to expand upon my quickly growing record collection (thank you Aby and Mom!). I turned on the radio for the first time today in a while, Little Talks was on..that song always makes me miss those little talks I think of while listening to that song. Redundant? Eh. It's alright though. I've been on pinterest a lot lately and that is always enjoyable :) It was a full Saturday and tomorrow morning I'm looking forward to doing Hot Yoga with Caitlin Cheevers! We'll be sweating it out from 8-9:30 am and yes everyone has warned me to drink lots of water since apparently I'm prone to passing out. I pray that does not occur. I need to get back to pinning, snuggling my kitty, reading my magazine, watching a movie and soon sleep. That damn sore spot in my throat is putting up a good fight, I will defeat it though before it decides to make me sick. I leave you with this that I like, "She's a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes." Gorgeously chaotic, J.

Ch4:Pg5: and I.O.U

Hospital: Long day but not too many patients. We got silly consults like "This patient eats slow" "This patient has loose teeth but is on a vent." Goodness. I owe you a slightly longer post as I went over to Bay city tonight for some little beer tastings, discussed many wonderful things with Aby and Ben and laughed and came home to have more warning lights pop on in my car and now I'm just tired, need my heating pad for my neck, need to ice my wrist because it seems to have done it's little, "I'm going to resprain that tiny part of your wrist I resprain blah blah blah." It happened before and swelled up and the doctor was like OH so you don't know HOW you sprained it? SO were you on DRUGS or ALCOHOL. ANd I said neither I was on duty. It was a silly argument that I knew I would lose. But. It did it again. That's alright I can mend myself. I ran two miles, my hipflexers/abs are very sore from p90x now, I did 30 minuts on the elliptical, I discussed my calorie issues of not getting enough in right now with Abygail and Bejamin and need to devise a plan tomorrow...I guess I was willing to stay up and type a little more than I thought. Not very fruity tonight but that sore spot in my throat is still lingering and I have four miles to run tomorrow. Keepin calm, J.

Ch4:Pg4: I'll sing louder if you sing along.

Thursday? Wow this week has kind of flown by despite how slow the days seem. Surprisingly the patient load was much lighter today but I still had a full day of work despite thinking and maybe hoping I would get out early. It's not that I don't enjoy this, believe me each day I feel I learn something new like oh hey yeah don't check residuals on the J tube guy or hey yeah pre-dialysis diets could try this supplement if they're low in calories but need to save their protein. I know that doesn't mean a whole bunch to some or maybe most of you. I don't exactly know who all reads this blog but I have a good idea of it. I really do like when I get to help patients. Doesn't that sound a little basic? Of course I'm there to help but I can't force someone to drink a supplement, add more vegetables and fruits to their diet, or have a conversation with me about their current diet and its need for change. I really enjoy that part of it. I did two very length education sessions today. I feel somewhat honored when some patients shake my hand and look me in the eye when they say thank you you are such a sweet girl. One of my educatees? said that to me today. I had a really good talk with her. I am starting and monitoring my own Tube Feeding patients (rare that we have them on the floors I'm covering but it happens. Of course all of my work needs to be signed off on but I feel I get better each day. I'm only 22, I mean the dietitians I've been working with have been doing this for years and years! I'll keep getting better. I wish sometimes I could eventually start my own business and just be an outpatient clinical resource center. Or maybe I'll work with kids or those suffering from eating disorders or people trying to lose weight or maybe I'll write articles for a journal. Goodness, yes the possibilities are endless. Tonight I'm buckling down after this entry and I start that list I keep trying to start about jobs and my soon coming search for them. It does kind of stink since I'd like to apply for them buuuut can't yet. I'll get there. Hey jessi how's training for the half starting off? Oh good thanks for asking, It's going well! Today was an active rest / core strength day so I did a harder cardio work out at the gym because I focused on strength training yesterday, and I just finished doing Ab-Ripper-X! I.e. my abs are going to be sooooorrreeee tomorrow. Every Tuesday and Thursday are specific days to target your core, other days are either active rest or run days. Tomorrow I'm running just 2 miles because a "long run" is for Saturday. Something I didn't expect? I'm actually not consuming enough calories lol. I know that sounds silly but I used to be a calorie counter natoriously not always the greatest thing but I've grown from that and I stopped for a long time now. However, I took it back up out of curiosity and found that my normal intake isn't quite great all of the time. Sometimes yes it's just fine. I don't know if this is due to taking up eating more vegetables or the HOlidays being over and my jeans are that little bit tight so we tend to eat less BUT what I advise is yes it's okay to monitor calories but I'm not going to start snacking on crap at night or even a ton of healthy stuff at night time (close to bed time) because I'm not hungry. I will need to update you on this as I progress, I find myself (almost finally) more so applying things I've learned about nutrition to my own body, my strength and my fuel that I need. Okay so I feel like I could go on and I think I'll leave you hanging on that line until tomorrow. Other thoughts? I got sporadically into poetry last night. Weird but I enjoyed my little entry. Sorry I'm not putting it here for the time being, in time maybe. Remember, I'm shy at heart and though I'm told I have a big heart there's a lot else that goes into it. That didn't make sense, right? I have no idea I'm totally rambling. WHATEVER. H'okay folks time for me to stop typing nonsensically, play with Schmitty, search for potential jobs and sleep because I need it. A little sore spot in the back of my throat has popped up and it will be defeated. Much like dragons. Far away, J.

Ch4:Pg3: Baby I'm born that way.

:Mr. Blue, Don't hold your head so low That you can't see the sky: So let me tell you about my Wednesday. Holy Hell did we see a bazillion patients. We were short on staff and crazy shit kept happening with one of our RD's computers. I think I spoke with 20+ patients today. Maybe that doesn't sound like a big number buuuut it is. I ended on a solid note doing a low sodium/heart failure diet nutrition therapy education session. This patient's whole family and extended family were in the room like sardines while I stood in my little white coat talking to them all and trying not to blush. I don't get embarassed and I don't know why I turn red so easily but I guess it's my shyness at heart coming out. When I was little apparently some of my teachers spoke with my mother stating that I was too shy. I still look back and think yes I was shy but maybe I was just thinking! Gosh. I don't know but I do know that at heart, I am shy and I try to be bold in subtle ways. I lost some of my boldness in 2012 and that's alright. I think it's helped me find other parts of me I had missed. We're always changing or do we never change? Such a conundrum. Whatever you believe, believe it and if it changes, it changed. Switching directions, my dinner was stupendous after a 3 mile run today and a strength training work out that followed. My muscles are good and sore and I tried an Orange pepper today which was very flavorful. I got so into my running today I think I ran an extra half mile because I had to turn around twice after missing my streets. Maybe it's the new shoes, the arm band for my ipod, the music blocking the noise in my head or the chilly air freezing my nose. Whatever it was I liked it and I promise readers, I will try my best to stay positive as I train for this half marathon. I will be honest and say when it's hard but it's going to be hard. I'm going to run 13.1 miles and it's not just something to sluff off. Closing notes, the cashier at the grocery store asked me why I bought a blue carnation (not one of those wimpy ones but a big open skinny petal one). I told her, "well I think it's important to keep pretty things around me, I'm really starting to like living alone and I like to keep simple decorations around." She said, "You're a lovely girl." (mind you I see her weekly) I walked out of the grocery story humming a little tune about Mr. Blue (Catherine Feeny) I got in my car and felt lovely. My focuses, for you to hold me to them. Internship, check. Apartment awesomeness, check. Train for half marathon like a beast, check (and in progress). Start studying for the RD exam, studying like mad! Now! Lastly, start my job searching because people, I'm going to be 23 in May and I'll be a Registered Dietitian and I'll be starting the rest of my grad classes and I'll be a mad runner and I'll be me. Born to be, J

Ch4:Pg2: Clink, Clink, Clink

What up January!? Here we are at the beginning of a New Year once again, la la la la la la. Working yesterday was challenging because the week off made me crave sleeping more and doing nothing more and so getting back to work required a bit more brain. The day wasn't challenging, I'm just a little tired of asking people if they need or want education on their heart healthy diet. We do get to do other things of course but that diet education is on repeat lately. Each time I recite it I think about my own diet and the things I eat. I eat quite healthy and of course snack on junk at times but now that I'm training for the half marathon I need to keep body fueled properly as much as possible. My mom introduced me to parsnips which were quite tasty and I found at the VA hospital during my food service rotation that I also like brussel sprouts. I love peppers of all colors, homemade soups of course, vegan recipes of all kinds that just taste better (Vegan Lasagna by Aby), onions, bean sprouts...look all I'm thinking about are vegetables right now and of course there are many other very healthy foods out there I consume. I also love oreos but we all have our vices. My point? Once again, I don't really have one. So lets move on to a little bit about my training. I ran 3 miles yesterday much faster than intended because the gym was closing soon after I got there. My new shoes felt great though I just need to get my feet more accustomed to them. My knee felt a lot better running in those as opposed to my worn out Nike free's. Today is an "Active rest" day meaning I could do nothing but should do some form of strength training which I plan to do after dinnertime. I wish this day wouldn't end because I'd like to just sit and sing, write, work on projects, feel good and also watch more Big Bang Theory. Okay I do all of that all other days too (aside from Big Bang Theory) but today has been a little different. I don't feel different because it's 2013 and not 2012, honestly I don't think that changes much of anything besides how often I write the number three now. Point being, the "year" doesn't change anything and neither does the time you're in, only you can change things and only you can make your own choices. Redundant? Maybe. Look, readers, you are responsible for you and try to remember one of my favorite quotes, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Cheers to you all, I will never forget. Thank you Maya Angelou. Clink, J.