Ch3:Pg25: Turning Off

Hi Friday, you came in the nick of time. I'm tired from the week, I want to wear my new dog cheap sweater and I want to watch Little Nemo Adventures in Slumberland. Not the fish movie. Ever seen this one? It's super old but super awesome. Friday, you made us work today at the hospital. We had tube feeding patients galore and we also had a patient miracle. Everyone was smiling at you ___(insert patient name) and I don't know you personally but you're young, keep being strong. Well, I'd write you more but Friday and I have business in Mount Pleasant, so off we go. I'm turning off for the night.

Ch3:Pg34: Capable and Scared

Confidence. Today at the hospital we discussed how lately we're surrounded by death and dying. It's happening a lot and I know too many people who are recently getting sick and sicker, or know people who know people who are experiencing it...etc. I'm not accustomed to deaths really. I wasn't old enough to remember the last of my grandparents passing away and only vaguely do I remember my Aunt Pam passing though I dream about her sometimes. Those are always some of my favorite dreams and every day I have them I tell my dad I saw her. I may not be accustomed to death but I still wish she were here. While at the hospital though, I am around people who may not all be in pain but when you can see the pain it's almost easier because you don't want someone to be suffering in pain. Today I talked with a cancer patient and she predicted who I was without knowing. She said, "I bet you're a dietitian! You look so healthy and strong." We had a really nice conversation and I helped her with increasing protein/calories in her diet at home. I get more confidence in my position at the hospital each day but I'll probably always have questions. Isn't that how it should go? Seek confidence and be full on knowledge but never stop asking questions and never stop learning. After work I went to the gym and then to the grocery store where I bought red. No not the new T-Swift album I already have that but after I left I realized I bought red potatoes, red bell peppers, strawberries and a powerade that was pink. Whatever. SO I came home and made some noms and skyped with my pal Sam :) I miss that girl and can't wait for winter break to see her! She said something to me though, about me, and I couldn't have said how I feel better myself. It's how I feel so shouldn't I be able to? Not always the case. We talked about my confidence in connection and fierce belief in something. I found it really fascinating, hence why I'm adding it here. Oh, I mentioned to you you'd get to see a little piece of my old journals. The title? From my 10th grade journal I wrote, "Capable? Anyone is. Scared? Everyone is." At the time I wrote it, I wasn't having the best of years. I write it and remember it every so often when it comes into play again. So think about it and see what it means for you. Just don't steal it without giving me credit, I never stole it and it's a "quote" haha that I have confidence in. I'm not sure how that came across but I'm not worried about it. Confidence is what is an underlying factor in how I feel, you could call it faith or a stubborn or sturdy backbone, but mostly..yes, Sam. You're right, it's confidence in how strongly I feel. This is an interesting thought process for me and I'm happy with how Thursday treated me. Here comes Friday, you took long enough.

Ch3:Pg33: Poor Prognosis

Greetings, Wednesday, you were kind and taught me more than Tuesday. I got straight to work once arriving at the hospital and then Heidi and I went on patient rounds throughout the ICUs. I feel like every other day patients are given the "poor prognosis" statement in their chart and it makes me sad. I see life and its end quite a bit at the hospital and it's just something different to have on your mind. There was a patient we discussed who's organs were on the opposite sides of her body, her heart was on her right not left, etc. She is sick now but has lived to 81! That's someone I want to talk to and be like how did you do it!? If you don't know, that's usually something detected at birth and given a "Poor Prognosis." After seeing some patients in the morning, Heidi the RD and I got to watch a PEG tube get placed into a man's stomach. Not gonna lie I was grinning and giggling to myself because it was really cool to watch and though I did get a little dizzy-ish, it was neat. I kept reminding myself not to watch the cutting but it's so small that it wasn't a big deal to my equilibrium. They're the same kind of incisions that I had done when I got my laparoscopy and my appendectomy, they're small! My appetite wasn't strong afterwards but I did manage some lunch and worked a little more and headed to Saginaw to class. Today's lecture was about our professional portfolio and learning about the 75 credits per 5 years we have to complete as continuing education. The education can come from a multitude of things such as actual classes (my grad classes will count towards them), poster presentations, research, webinars, conferences, etc. It just means you have to do that or you lose your RD license, not hard to do in five years (gain the credits that is). Our director at one point just laughed and said "Just fill the darn thing out." Only the interns may giggle at this because it was funny then and writing it now doesn't sound as funny. You'd have to know our director, she's pretty great. I've been going to the gym a lot more and keeping my mind and body physically and mentally more active. It has really helped with combating feeling kind of lonely or bored. Plus I see more and am around more people at the gym and it makes me feel less alone. Aw, that statement sounded sad. I don't mean it to, I do feel lonely at times but I wouldn't trade this experience I've had living alone for much of anything. Anywho. In terms of other things on my mind and in my life, maybe there are some poor prognoses (no I'm not dying) but even when given a prognosis we don't like, we have to keep going. There are multiple things on my plate right now aside from the massive amounts of veggies I'm eating...and I'm afraid some may be leading me down different roads than I prepared for. I'm really not quite sure how I've gotten here, or the roads that have led me here. I just know all of the roads and all of the prognoses will keep me walking these paths even when I have no clue what I'm doing on them anymore. Spotted, jess walking, smiling, and dancing in the streets.

Ch3:Pg32: Slow like honey

Today has actually flown by, thanks Tuesday. I told you yesterday that I had a lot on my mind but I'm sitting here and I'm drawing some blanks. I worked out after work, made a delicious dinner, steamed more cauliflower for tomorrow, skyped with abygail, worked on my project, finished my project and now I'm sitting with the candlelight and the smell of nutmeg&spice filling my living room. I am still drawing a bit of a blank as to what I want to write about tonight. I'm sitting on the couch and schmitty has nuzzled between my calves and I'm in my comfy clothes. This week at least at night, my mind has been quieter. I talked recently about "work life" vs "private life." They are so different and it's not troubling per se, but the two barely correlate. Well, they do but they dont...oh man, I don't know. This post is just kind of blah se. I'm somewhat missing from feeling social but going to the gym helps with that. Let's keep this post at that, it's not going anywhere fun. My patients today were complicated and simple at the same time. I think that's all for today.

Ch3: Pg 31; Skinny Love on a Monday Night

Good evening, Monday. We worked hard today. I felt a general glaze of fatigue while at the internship today. I have started week 7 of 10 for basic clinical...just 4 more additional weeks after that. Monday and I went to the gym right after work burned up a sweat and returned home to complete a Nike Training workout. I don't know if thats legal for me to advertise their product, but it's a free ap and I suggest you download it if possible. It has a ton of workouts with increasing intensities or decreasing intensities, target areas, target workouts...it's baller. We made some brown rice with chopped up red peppers and onions and we steamed some cauliflower. Filling up on fibrous vegetables makes my body feel so healthy. I can't describe it but I promise you the more you fill your plates with vegetables (and fruits too) the better your body will feel. Maybe it's because scientifically I know what's happening to the food being digested and where in my body it's going...but I feel good about it. I'm not saying you, my readers, need to avoid meat as well. However, stick to a moderate amount per week of it because all meat has saturated fat in it which we try (or should try) to limit in our diets. Monday and I have worked on a powerpoint presentation on Fructose Intolerance vs. Malabsorption. We almost forgot how to do actual homework since I'm more so "working" rather than taking classes. I'm really anxious for grad classes to start this coming summer. I forgot how nice it is to be busy and occupy my mind on something aside from my own thoughts. Bon Iver joined us as we created the masterpiece presentation that will get finished tomorrow. Monday and I are now sitting waiting and softly singing along to songs we're learning together. I'd like to continue to improve on the ukelele so that I can perform by the bonfires and have people sing along with me. Monday and I should share something with you about Sunday. Sunday and I got into an argument and for the first time in a while frustration resulted and a headache ensued. Frustration about things I just don't understand anymore. This is okay though, because Monday came right on time and now, soon, Tuesday will as well. Welcome, Tuesday. I've got a lot on my mind I hope you're ready.

Ch3:Weekendend: Driving back to it all

My apartment is decorate in a festive way, much like back home. I love when our house is full of Christmas decorations and I especially love moving them to different spots (because Kenzie, those snowmen are staying in the kitchen they do not belong in the bathroom this year). I thought today as I was driving back towards Midland, back to work and back to my apartment with Schmitty the kitty and the snow on the ground..I thought about weaknesses. I thought about my achilles heel and what mine really is. Am I sounding incredibly serious? Haha well we all have weaknesses and we can't be blamed for them all of the time. Here are a few funnier/light hearted ones; caramel, well trained dogs, diet orange soda, reeses, pasta, broccoli and cheddar soup, flavored water, goodwill stores, target and that's just to name a few. What are your weaknesses? What do you do about them? Tonight I've done nothing about the ones I've listed and as for the ones I haven't I'm trying to figure that one out myself. I'm back to the grind tomorrow, I have a Medical literature presentation next week on Fructose Intolerance. I have not really done too much about it except for gather all of my research materials. My sister was right though, it's kind of hard to work from home so I think I'll have to venture elsewhere tomorrow after the gym and dinner so that I am not so easily distracted. Distractions are like weaknesses and by the way distractions aren't bad. I got distracted in my room at home today when I came across an old journal. I love reading what I used to write. Maybe I'll share some with my readers tomorrow because it's pretty funny. Then I got nostalgic like I am now and then I had to drive and sing and figure out my achilles heel. I'm still battling it I think. What's yours? This is just a hullaballo post because I am eating up some time. Cheers to Monday.

Ch3; Pg30; Driving away from it all.

I got three hours of sleep and it never even affected me! Today was an incredibly long and pretty frustrating day. Aside from yesterday and now the fact that I'm home, I am so glad this week is over. It was kind of shitty. Not holding back. I enjoyed a good dinner with my family finally after a three hour drive. There's a light layer of snow on the ground, we're going to play some games and watch a movie. Sometimes information gets dropped on you like a miniature bomb. As of late, I feel like I'm walking in a field of land mines. It's not that bad but sometimes it seems that way. I wish I could write more because I feel like I have a lot to say but this time I don't know how to say it. Some tests don't come back the way we want them to. Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and we'd do just about anything to change it. Sometimes working at the hospital brings me down and back to earth all at once. I like when I feel I'm actually helping a patient. Other times you just feel slightly helpless but you're doing all you can. I need to just be with my family tonight, let the games begin.

Ch3:Pg29:Lines?

I need to sleep so I'll probably write extra tomorrow. I walked for four and a half hours today and spun in giddy circles as I danced in a field with my music playing, took a bunch of photos, ate a TON of sweet potatoes, watched gossip girl, skyped with my family, missed my family, and had a splendid awesome fun crazy time shopping the door busters with Justin. Today was a solid, good day. Today I'm in a state of grace.

Ch3:Pg28: Quiescence

As I started the morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I went into the hospital at 7:30am. I started looking over patient charts and preparing our sheets with the information we need in order to assess the patient. This morning I went on rounds with Heidi. We were in the ICU units and at times I felt sad, hopeful, angry, confused and just downright human. If you're not scared you're not paying attention. It's so quiet in my apartment tonight. I think everyone even in my apartment complex has vacated. This is the first night in a while that I am down right lonely and silent in thoughts. I hope to spend tomorrow walking outside taking photos on my own. I got a special can of cat food for Schmitty, we'll decorate the apartment in some cheap festive things and we'll have a quiet day. I wish I was home like you, my readers tonight. Working Friday is not my ideal and it's so quiet tonight..Like I said, if you're not scared then you're not paying attention. We're all human and we all need to be a little more thankful, give a little more, receive a little more and take the moments of silence and the moments on our own and run with them.

Ch3;Pg27: A moment of love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb6vrN71qwU Instant tears as I watched that video. One of the most awesome moments of my life. I was so incredibly happy and felt so honored to be chosen for staff. I have since had multiple moments of pure raw joy and happiness that too stick out in my mind. So tonight, I'm thankful for those moments and the people who are apart of them. The ones that love me and the people who care. The laughter they've brought, the tears of bliss, the passionate times, the heartful talks, the ridiculousness and the chaos that is my life. Today, especially, I'm thankful for you.

Ch3:Pg26: I was there, I remember

It's the simplicity in all of the chaos that you think about at the end of the day. Between the crazy events and the most random of trips, the moments when you're the way you are and those moments are beautiful. We walk with careful steps around the things we're afraid of. We walk and take the time to think about what we're saying and doing because our intentions may be good or bad and we're not sure where we went with them but we went there. Those simple little things that remind you of where you are in the world. I've realized this weekend after multiple talks that I am handling my transition from being an RA to being a one bedroom apartment renter as well as I can be. I was very used to having people around me all of the time and needing those moments to be alone that now I'm feeling like I need more moments around people because I'm living alone. Don't get me wrong, living alone is a good thing. It has given me many opportunities to learn more about myself and try to make do with my cooking skills. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm in the learning stages. Back to the simple things that we know all too well. Those blips of time that you can just throw your head back and laugh because it's simple, it's easy, and for just the little blip of time you don't have to think about the chaos and the fiascos. As for the end? It's unknown. Happy Monday everybody.

Ch3:Pg25: Trouble.

I Knew You Were Trouble is the name of one of Taylor Swifts new song. Like I mentioned earlier today, her new cd is fucking genius. My peers I'm sorry my blog is late. I don't make a habit of this but sometimes life just gets in the way. This weekend has been full of shenanigans. Absolutely full of them. Aby burned me "Red" the new T Swift album which was sah-weet. My body broke out in hives multiple times this weekend which was weird. I ate panera which was delicious. I drove around and listened to new and old music which was easy. I'm looking forward to checking out post secret after I write a little more which is my routine. I have flavored carbonated water waiting for me in the fridge and a nap with my name on it which sounds good. Ever had a weekend where life just got in the way and we just let life do what it pleases? Oh, oh, oh sometimes we let it just happen to see what the reactions will be. I don't have much else to write, I have ideas in mind for the week and I'll just need to hash out how they're going to play out. This week I'll start working with Heidi, she's one of the RDs at MidMich who mainly does Nutrition support so a lot of tube feedings and TPN things and what have you. I think this week will kind of be a jumbled mess because of days off and Thanksgiving and limited numbers of dietitians on board, but maybe that will make it fly by faster. Maybe. I need to eat something and I need to watch Gossip Girl. Watch out for life everyone.

Ch3: PgBreak: Pants on fire.

It's late. It's early. The truth and the truth alone will set you free. Don't you agree? Isn't it hilarious how some people interpret what I say in this blog to fit their own need for what they'd like to believe? The truth will always surface eventually, especially when you're trying your hardest to stomp it out. Stomp out the fire on your pants first. You'll feel better, promise. http://graceandbalance.blogspot.com/2012/10/ch3pg6-come-to-me-i-want-to-hug-you.html P.S. Go to that link, it's one of my posts from a while ago. I was excited for a pizza dinner date I was about to go on with a boy who lives in my apartment complex, things didn't last which was most likely for the best. But it wasn't what you thought now was it? I'll leave you to it.

Ch3: Pg24: We're Biding Time

I don't but I do. Today was once again a day in my clinical rotation. Tomorrow I have accomplished officially half of the "clinical" rotation! Sadly, there's four additional weeks after these 10 that are considered "Staff Relief" but I'm already pretty much doing that. Next week I'll start working with Heidi, she's one of the RDs there but works mainly with nutrition support. This will gain me a lot of TPN and Tube Feeding experience. I've had two classes on it now, studied a little about it in undergrad, and I have worked with a couple of patients who are on tube feedings or TPN etc. Working with Heidi will change things up and then it's just pushing through January...blah. That seems so far away! I have really enjoyed working at MidMich, but in my one morning working in an outpatient setting in the Diabetes Center, something tells me I like that so much more. I think it stems back to why I became an RA I love talking with people and listening to them. I like to help them as well but mostly I just enjoy interacting with people on a different level and I really enjoy listening. I've been told that I'm starting to swing back to some sophomore tendencies that I'm pretty okay with. I do think I've lost pieces of me that I'm gaining back and pieces of me I've never known before. It's a process and one I intend to continue, well for the rest of my life. Sigh, I'm starving and I'm waiting on my acorn squash to cook. If you've not tried acorn squash yet, you need to get on that quick. It's really delicious and you can put all kinds of toppings on it! I joined a gym "Planet Fitness" as I said in a previous post. It felt good to get back on an elliptical and it was much easier on my knee. What irritates me is that my knee is still a factor and I was told that around now I wouldn't have even known I'd had surgery. Not the case. I really need it to keep getting stronger so I can snowboard this winter. I really missed out last snow fall and I don't want to miss out again. Are you getting ready for winter? Layering up on clothes and possibly a few pounds? You may laugh at that but it's true that people gain more weight around this time of year and not just because of the holidays. My vegetablearianism (say that out loud) is going well. I haven't noticed any hard changes yet because I rarely make meat anyways, but it does make my body feel better. I still wonder sometimes what made me pick dietetics. I don't but I do. I think about it a lot and I'm okay with my choice, believe me. If I wanted to switch later in life I could, no one is really tied down to one occupation. What if I want to be a cake decorator? Or a professional dancer? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, and yeah I have chips to go with that cheesy phrase. Do you don't but you do? Do you know what I'm saying? I don't but I do. See you tomorrow bloggy.

Ch3;Pg23; Basic Space.

Spotted: A girl in a red coat and cream scarf with a braid in her hair. Did you see her today? I did and I told her to be brave today. I think a lot of things. I think this makes me who I am because I tend to either say everything that's on my mind or absolutely nothing at all. Today feels like a longer day than any other this week. I was at the hospital in the morning per the usual and then I travelled to Saginaw for a Nutritional Support class, aka lets learn more about tube feedings and TPN! From Saginaw to Mount Pleasant, I'm getting used to that boring M-20 drive. My vocal chords tend to get a good work out. I enjoyed this trip quite a bit and a shout out to my girl Becky who did phenomenal in the 8:00 IMPROV show :) I can't wait for the next one! So, where am I now? Finally back and cuddly in my pj's curled up in bed ready for sleep. I am thinking of many things and one of those is courage. Courage to do what you feel in your heart is right even when it's not easy to get the words out. Courage to say how it's going to be and to know you're taking a risk. Haven't I told you before? I do moments. Yes, yes I do and sometimes those moments surprise you. I want to write you all more but I just nodded off while typing this so it is time to shut off my computer and sleep it all away.

Ch3;Pg22:Potatoes

Today I cut up little red potatoes and put them in a pan with some water. I put the lid on it and let them cook later adding a red pepper to the mix. Then I ate it. I also went on a nice long run today. I have also made a plan that I'm slightly nervous about carrying out but I'm ready. I'm also growing very accustomed to living on my own. I've also changed I think it multiple ways in the last few hours. That's all I have for you today. The internship was good, patients are still sick as per the usual and we're still seeing them. Obviously. It was a good day though. I also joined a gym so I will work out more. Brace yourselves for tomorrow.

Ch3;Pg21; Near the Waves

Today I had such a hard time getting out of my bed. I love going to bed when I'm physically falling asleep on the couch or working on something because then (usually) I brush my teeth and collapse as soon as my head its the pillows. However, when this occurs I usually am so terribly comfortable that I absolutely do NOT want to get out of bed in the morning. This is similar to my Saturday and Sunday morning. Saturday morning I just stayed in bed watching Gossip Girl of course and eating my cereal, Sunday morning I was sleepy because I had been up late. The reason I'm talking about my bed and my sleep habits right now is just because it's on my mind. More importantly, it's the things that are on my mind when I'm trying to fall asleep or when I wake up in the morning. Sleep is also just crucial for being healthy which brings me to my topic. Whomp whomp whomp, I've gained a little weight back that I lost over the summer. Bummer right? Well, it is I suppose but I'm kicking more into my work mode and I'm not concerned about reshaping and getting everything back to where I want it. Have you ever struggled with this? I've struggled and I'm sure some day I'll struggle again. But everytime I struggle with this and fight back and conquer it I get that much stronger. I did a nice long run today and it was freezing outside and I'm sure I looked like a fool but it felt so good. I'm also switching over to a vegetarian lifestyle since I really don't eat meat anyways. I'm really not suggesting to you, my audience, that if you've struggled with weight that you switch completely. However, maybe if you have struggled try something like, "Meat less Mondays" or "Tofu Tuesdays" maybe just having one day a week where you're not eating meat. If you're already not a big meat eater, maybe you're heavier on the carbs or maybe a million other things, you can message me if you want. Legally? I'm not an RD (yet) but I'm still willing to listen and be a friend. Also, I'll throw this out there that there's nothing wrong with meat haha. In fact I like chicken and a good burger every once in a while. However, being close friends with two of my fellow interns Aby and Ben who are both vegan, I've really broadened my horizons of foods to eat that are centered around vegetables rather than centered around carbs. Well, that's enough of that, let me know if you have questions :) Switching gears: I was at the Saginaw Bay yesterday and I can't say enough about how beautiful and perfect the weather was. There's something about standing by the water that really brings you back to yourself. It was windy yesterday and my cardigan just flew behind me, my hair felt wild (and so good since it's cut clean and short now) and I just felt right. Some moments and days are just right. Additionally, rapping to Freaks and Geeks just felt right as well. Until tomorrow, sleep well, eat well, and find the moments when things feel right and stick with them.

Ch3; WeekendFour; The Whole Arm

My mouth used to button more than it does now. I went through a whole mess of things last night thinking about the future mainly. I laughed at some things and others just made me smile. I can't believe how much we forget when we live in the present or in the future. What I mean is, I feel I used to thrive on living in the moment and then I started planning things more. I'm still a planner but I'm mixing in the moments as well. You have to do that, it keeps life fresh. I just think it's so crazy that we can get so wrapped up in the present and what's happening right now that we forget so many funny little things about the past or we forget to look forward to the future. I guess I'm not quite sure what's going to happen after this weekend or this coming week, or month, year, internship...who really knows? No one does, just don't forget about the thousands of little things you cherish each day, the good things. Don't forget the little good things because they can change everything. The good things that have Y.O.U written all over them. It might be the past you or a you you are only at certain times, but don't forget them and don't forget yourselves. We all do sometimes, but if you take a moment and really think about all those good little things, you'll remember everything.

Ch3;Pg20: A Broken Crown

I cut my hair today and that has been the absolute best part of my day. Thank you Emma Watson for looking gorgeous with short hair and assisting me in realizing how much I love my short hair rather than the long. Also, thank you red coat for making me feel all adult and sophisticated. Thank you track number nine for making me sing it out. I think I'll leave today's post at that. My apologies, some days you just aren't in the mood to write.xo. We all have to make choices in life, just be careful.

Ch3;Pg19; A Baffled King

Life is so weird, right folks? Here is something I thought about and talked with the dietitian about during internship day today. I told her, people need to be more thankful for a properly working digestive track. Do you know how much that will or can screw you over without one? Any part of it that starts to malfunction can raise hell and trust me it will. Which makes me think about respecting my body more and more and always giving it what it needs. I do a fairly good job of this to toot a horn, but hey I'm no perfect eater, I over eat and eat what I shouldn't sometimes. Is moderation fine? Duh. But hey, it's me and it's a continual process. I definitely fed myself right today OH BOY did I. Special K with almond milk in the morning, carrots, apple, cheese stick for lunch, I think there had to be something else in there but I can't remember. Popped back a few cocoa coated almonds, and made red potatoes with low fat cheese and a little italian herb sauce for din din, along with cooked carrots. Yes I loaded up on veggies today and my digestive system was like FUCK YEAH. TMI? Get over it people, treat your digestive track right and be thankful it hasn't started lashing out at you yet. I'm serious, I tell you what I'm eating today because I can feel the health of my GI track singing...okay maybe not but for real, think about it a little more yeah? I'm determined to have stuffed squash again this weekend and I'm also to determined to.....drumroll please.....did you drumroll? I'm cutting my hair. Thank god I finally figured out that duh I love short hair and good cuts, I get it long and cut it off...what's the point? My hair is definitely already short but snip snip snip and I'll be a new woman again. Or at least have a new head of hair to look at every day. There was a moment this past weekend, I'll share a snipit of it with you. I was in a place at a time and I thought to myself, yup, this is just how it is. Sometimes it's best to leave things as they are. We don't always need to stir the pot. Because "I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite." Until tomorrow, stay warm and cozy and treat yourself with dignity.

Ch3;Pg18; It's okay

Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them. Where I'm stuck is the part about being who I am about them. Sometimes I feel if I am to be the way I am about the way I feel, I could make a mess of things. Other times I may not do anything about them. Making no messes but feeling like I've made no progress. Following? I've changed. I've changed in the last few months, this year in fact has changed me in a lot of ways. I think they're all good but there could be some bad mixed in there. I just want you all to know it's okay to feel things or not feel things and to think about things all the time, just try and share it with someone yeah? Just try. You'd be surprised. Another thing on my mind? I like to feel like I know what people may think about me. Or I like to be clear in my intentions and hope that people don't interpret them the wrong way. So many things lately could become messy and Jessi already has enough Messy in her life. Haha, see what I did there? HOKAY enough of the mumbojumbo. This is my grocery list from tonight, I wanted to share it with you because I'm quite proud of its color and I hope it inspires you to shop fresh and colorful-ed as well....yes I made that word up, here we go: cat food, 2 red peppers, 1 green pepper, 2 winter squash, 2 lemon, a bag of red potatoes, herb blend salad, baby carrots, cereal and I got a bag of fresh black beans from my internship director today. Today was kind of a hectic day in terms of internship things. Went in at 7:30, worked till 11, ate some lunch, went to a cardiac rehab class, drove to Saginaw and had a three hour lecture complete with a homework packet about Nutrition Support. The homework is a bunch of tube feeding questions which is always good to practice. I'm so tired lately. I hope these posts continue going the way the are. I'm getting enough sleep but something is causing my body to be fatigued. I'm taking vitamins, I eat healthy as much as possible...I don't know friends! Investigation ensues. Schmitty is tired a lot lately too though she is eating better now. Oh, I forgot something about my grocery list. Fresh flowers! Always a nice little addition for my apartment. I really like how I rearranged things this time around. I think tonight I may start writing options for where to move to / what kinds of jobs to search for post graduating this internship while I continue with the masters. However, my stomach is gargling my head has an ache and I'm ready to wrap up this weird post. They all seem weird lately. I think I'll see Wreck it Ralph at some point this weekend, or rather I hope to. xo always J

Ch3;Pg17; If I love you, all of you

What do you take from my title? It can go in various directions. Maybe it's that if you love one person, you love all people or all of your friends. Maybe you love someone and maybe it's not romantic but you love them, every piece of them no matter what happens. No matter who they are. But I'm somewhat obsessed with this quote, "You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things." That's not love. Just saying it and saying you love them and care about them is not enough. You need to deliver what you say and you need to do more than just sit there thinking about it. I'm kind of a hypocrite in that sense but I"m working it out. Today is voting day, I sent in my ballot a while ago and was proud of how informed I made myself. I spent a lot of time on that ballot, I am slightly anxious for what's going to happen in this election. I'm in Bay City at the moment, working on Food Service folders making sure they're ready to turn in tomorrow. We made delicious salads comprised of greens, black beans, red and yellow peppers, little saltines, balsamic vinegar, oil, and dried cranberries. Drinking gin and tonic lemon with agave for sweetness. Round two is stuffed squash with couscous, peppers and onions and of course spices. Basically we're feasting like kings and we're going to decorate a cake to look like Obama. I really hope it turns out well. We may have set fire to the cake pan we baked the squash in but it's clearing up. I'm actually avoiding things right now guys. I think, sometimes it's okay to avoid things once in a while and just let things happen. Just be cool and don't think. It's time to continue avoiding things and it's time to get back to some work. I'm cutting my hair soon, brace yourselves. I leave you with this, love always. “If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.”xo

Ch3;Pg16;Let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

Today, I'm out of complete thoughts for the time being. I did get enough sleep and now that I'm writing I realized I could have slept in an extra half hour because I don't go into the hospital today until 8:00AM. BLARGH. Today will be different though, I'm not sure what the morning will look like but we (Kali is the other intern working at the hospital with me currently) will be attending diabetes classes for the next couple weeks in the afternoons. I started reading Perks of Being a Wallflower again late last night. I had quite the headache but I wanted to at least get a couple pages down before I went to bed. It looks like it's going to be a pretty but cold day outside, I have a new red coat that I'm sitting in now just because I want to have it on. I want to just go on a walk at some point tonight late and be in my red coat. I'm playing the ukelele a little more now and again. I'm singing a lot more than I used to and I'm listening in different ways. Life is weird. For now, I'm just going to let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be. Just try and do the same. P.s. the picture is of Erysimums aka Wallflowers. xo

Ch3;Weekend3; With my love

"I think the number one thing that I find important is the importance of honesty with your friends and your parents, if you can be. But I think that telling people how you really feel, being who you truly are, being safe and taking care of yourself is the most important thing," said Emma Stone. If we're being honest, then I miss a lot right now and I miss how some things used to be. Continuing with that trend, I like who I'm becoming each day. It's almost Christmas for goodness sake. I feel like time has passed as quickly as it usually does but I've been living years of changes in the last few months. Brace for me.

Ch3;Pg15; Four-ever

Dear friends, today felt like a longer day than most. I did not get much sleep last night because I couldn't stop my mind from formulating dreams, hopes, thoughts, nightmares and sheep of course too. I always resort to at least trying to count sheep. My mind just wouldn't stop thinking and I felt like I was swearing and screaming at my head to shut up. It didn't work and I got a few hours of sleep to show for it. The good and bad part about the internship is that you can't just "skip" class. It's not like in undergraduate classes where you might over sleep and miss class, or sleep in "not on purpose" and miss class. Not that I want to skip but when I'm that tired I almost catch myself hitting snooze too many times or turning off my alarm and I'll jerk out of bed because I think I've fallen back asleep. It's a scary feeling but this it not the kind of thing you can just "be late" for. For the record I wasn't late but I didn't turn on my lamp when I leaped out from under my covers, tripped over a box, got tangled in clothes that have been on the floor for too long, ran my shoulder into my door way (no I am not joking) and damn near cracked my head open slipping in the bath tub. For the rest of my shower I sat, I figured it was safer that way. The rest of my morning was a little rushed and the day at the hospital felt mellow. It was busy, sure. I got to work with my case study patient and see him off today which was nice. I really like all of the people I work with and the patients are nice too. Not just the nutrition related people but the nurses and doctors are nice as well. Doctors I don't bother too much since I really don't need to, but they all seem nice. I do have a bit more empathy now for doctors because people (me included) get mad and angry sitting in hospital rooms wondering, "What the hell could they be doing?!" Trust me. They are doing a lot. I think I'm worn out...sheesh. So...the day felt long but as soon as we all could leave we scattered and I hopped in my car and hit the road. I drove straight to Gennesse Valley Mall near / in Flint and went right towards Forever 21. Good gracious I love that store and I found tons of cute things. New earrings, shirts, hair clips...so good. I also got 24$ worth of underwear...for FREE granted they were 12$ a piece and I got them for free because I had free panty coupons for Victoria's secret. I always want more sweat pants when I go there, but today bought black yoga pants instead. This is a big Jessi's 4-1-1 post. Again, not what I intended. I did finally rearrange my apartment. The negative space is much better and though I have lost my dancing room a little, I like the lay out a lot. I suppose this is a long enough post, it's kind of dry but I'm kind of feeling lonely and I want my blanket, hot coco w/ baileys, my cat and my Netflix. Tonight's one of the first nights in a while that I wish I wasn't living on my own in this moment. It's great to rearrange and relax after, but it didn't raise noise. Granted I turned off my loud ass music but that's only because my voice is cracking from singing so much. I'll write to you this weekend. I'll write of some things that have been lingering through my mind. Until then, thanks for listening and reading along as always, love always. Xo

Ch3;Pg14; Without Choice

Ever feel like you didn't have a say in the matter? Like your voice was stifled and shut down before sound even came out? I don't feel like that today but I know that feeling and I have seen that feeling in others before. For me, that's what standing up for someone is all about. Taking that moment to say hey were you going to say something? Or if the moment passes talk to them privately. That's all on that note, it's important though, so think about that. Moving forward, to random acts..of kindness. My dear friend Sean sent me a lovely card with a message that brought me to tears (yes I literally hugged the card and gift) and onto my knees where I just let my head fall and let it sink in that it just happened. I absolutely love random acts of kindness. Sean's act today meant a lot to me and publicly here too Sean, I thank you. It made me have a lot to think about during my run today. As I got started, "I Will Wait" came through my ears, the wind was blowing and the sun was shining. It was one of those cold sunny days, one of my favorite kinds. I started thinking about random acts of kindness, but also just random acts generalized. They could be acts of silliness (hence dancing in my living room), of love, of words, of promises, of memories, of cooking, dancing, singing, laughing, tickling...you name it. Randomly do it and it becomes an action. Actions make motions and motions make changes and memories. Bottom line, as of now anyways, it comes down to memories. So as I turned corners and dodged leaf piles that may be hiding large twigs under them, I recalled the random little things. The things I've done, things I've seen and things that have been done for me. I got another little random act last night from Danielle Kopke :) Thanks again Danielle and I hope the brain food helped! I'd love to start posting more about meals and nutrition and what it can do for you, take requests and help people out (yeah yea for free, dietitians do way too much for free!) but since I don't have my RD license yet I should refrain. Just know if I do ever shell out some info or little tidbits of advice, take it from a friend and don't get a lawyer if something goes wrong....haha not that ANY of you would anyways :) This isn't the way I intended my blog to write out today, I think I'm in a listing mood because I've noticed a lot of lists here. I also think that's a general pattern of mine. I do need to go shopping for some necessities and things with Aby here soon, so I better go make a list ;) Remember; your voice, your feelings, random acts and as always, love. PS. A friend googled my blog and splelled my name wrong. 1) Don't google this blog, there will be consequences for your eyes and 2) Don't spell my name wrong. XO