When you wake up from a dream that's not necessarily worse than a nightmare but waking up from it is not necessarily any better. To cope I get out of bed a find my way to my kitchen for a glass of water. I usually can't drink it because I had a bad taste in my mouth despite my rigorous mouth/teeth routine before bed time. I get warmer clothes on so the heat helps me settle back into sleep mode faster and generally my cat comes up and curls next to me and purrs. It's like my own cat lullaby to start drifting away. Lately I'm finding it harder to fall asleep again in general. My mind just does not want to turn off so I do something I believe is called squared breathing to help me relax my mind and turn off. You breathe in for four, hold it for four, let it out for four, and hold for four. It's the holding for four after you've expelled all the air that's the most relaxing. I do that for some time and then just start to think of a calming voice telling me to relax every part of my body, head to toe. Sometimes my mind gains control and starts going off in its tangents but sometimes it doesn't. I've been going to bed around 9:30pm each night most likely not falling asleep until 10:15-:30 ish. I feel less crampy and better rested today minus my wake up at 4:30 this morning. Sometime's it's dreams that you can't get out of your mind and sometimes it's words. You might see a set of words, someone else's words, think of a memory full of words, think of your own words or whatever but they start flashing at you like bright lights on a dark night trying oh so hard to get your attention. It's nice to let them flash and not think or assume anything. To just see words and let them pass you by. However, it's not easy to not think especially for me and I'm okay with that about myself. It's a part of me I would not trade. In fact I don't think there's any part of me I would trade. I like what I'm doing and I'm trying my best here. I thought this morning around 4:30 (ugh) that the words I saw and the dream I had would make me feel differently. But I felt the same and I can't do much to change things because I'm tired. I turned my phone back off and tried to curl underneath my covers, schmitty behind me, and tried to stop the noise going off in my mind like bombs. I'm sure this sounds dramatic or over thought but give me a break. I'm just writing what comes to mind and you're interpreting it how ever you'd like. One thing I know for sure, dreams and words and words and dreams for me continue to go hand in hand. This time I woke up from the dream and missed everything. Dreams can be spectacularly missable. Words and people are missable too. However, you can't change what other people say, I can't change what you say, you can't change what I say, but you can control and change what you say. Thinking of words, I'd like to rent the movie, "The Words." It looked pretty decent from the trailer but that might just be because of the music. Music gets me in a trailer every time. Like the trailer for a movie about a Tsunami, that alone plus the music and I pulling my head back trying not to let tears spill! I am sitting currently at the hospital, we're done an hour early but I can't really ask to leave buuut let's hope I get to go soon. I saw a lot of patients today and finally did some different educations that did NOT involve the words heart healthy or low sodium. I think this post is getting long and I wrote the majority of it this morning. Coping and loving, J.
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