Happy Anniversary. My knee and I have finally made it to the one year mark today. I got my ACL redone with a cadaver's ACL (Thank you) and I know to some it sounds like just another one of my surgeries...but this date means a great deal to me. It breaks me a little. I had amazing support throughout this experience especially on the day of before after and weeks following surgery and therapy. It broke me down mentally in ways I didn't know were possible. I started losing hope at physical therapy when all I felt was guilt and pain as they tried to straighten my knee and I couldn't drive anywhere. I leaned, hard, on people. I really didn't expect the surgery to change me mentally when it was just supposed to change me physically. I needed the other pain to go away but no where in the books and blogs I read did anyone quite describe what I went through. Oh c'mon I'm not trying to be dramatic but I'm trying to be honest here. Maybe that's the problem. The other blogs I read and "tips for having your ACL redone" were being sugar coated and dipped in chocolate with a cherry on top saying you'll be walking before you know it! Nope. Not the case. I was on crutches from the knee scope prior and then after the surgery for about a month and a half afterwards. I lost it in my mind and even after the crutches were gone, or I finally could take off that big ass black and metal hinged brace...I had a hard time coming back. It was easier to be lazy but I refused to stop. It was hard to push myself and push others and push my mind and push push push. I don't think I quite ever told anyone just how much my mind has been through since that surgery. Now that I'm a year out I can look at it all and...what? I guess just keep going. I guess no one is ever going to truly know what's going on in your minds unless you tell them. Don't start spilling everything but maybe I should have said something a long time ago. But, I try to be strong because I am strong. I kept fighting for myself to make it while making it with others too. I fought because if I gave up on me I gave up on everything. That was never okay with me..It never really will be okay to give up on myself. I'm still fighting, "Aren't you tired yet?" Asked my mom...Yes...I am..but I am a force to be reckoned with, it's time I start reckoning.
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