I saw gangerene today. Let me know you how I almost passed out and threw up at the same time. Neither of which actually happened but it was a close call. A lot of the patients I was supposed to see either didn't want education or were sleeping or getting discharged in an hour...so today was a sleepy ish day. Then I saw the gangerene. This patient's toes were black. What a horrible diagnosis. That's also what I felt happened today, I read about and listened to many horribly sad or depressing diagnoses. I don't know maybe clinical dietetics won't be my dream job. I'm certainly going to just try and get A job and not be too picky for my first one, but we'll see how things go...I've been thinking about that a lot lately. People ask, where to from here? I just pause and consider the enormity of their question. I don't know what to say. I could move wherever I want to, anywhere in the world and still finish my masters with CMU because it is an online program. I don't know where I want to go and I don't know who I want to be. A lot of people think oh you graduated, at least you have a plan...I don't. I'm just starting to grasp that idea and I just couldn't express to you quite how I feel about it. Tonight, as Aby and I sew her olive costume, I'm considering the fact that I want the internship to be done for a few reasons but I also don't because I'm thinking...crud. The other thing currently running my mind? My sister Kenzie is coming home and I have not seen her since my visit to Alabama! I'm really excited for this and I think we may all be going out on Friday in Grand Rapids. I wish my dad was going to be home this coming weekend but a girls weekend with my two sisters and momma will be splendid! I'm feeling like I really need to get to running tomorrow because I feel like I'm not using my body enough. Lastly, for this post tonight. A new thing has occurred for me. I do have mixed feelings and honestly I don't care what those mixed feelings are comprised of. I feel as though I've grown yet again and I keep forming myself into this person that I don't know that well but I'm getting to know her everyday. I'm still a firm believer that you may not choose how you feel but you choose how you react to it. Tonight, I choose to think about the chaos and leave you with a quote "let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. Ok?" That is from one of my favorite movies and it means a multitude of things. Tonight, for me, it means I'm going to let myself be where I am and who I am and everything that goes with that is going to be okay.
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