A farewell

Hello, Hello?

Messy Jessi here. Did you miss me? I've really missed writing in this blog every day but its journey needed to come to a stop.

This summer hasn't been the easiest of summers. Call it the let down after studying my butt off for the RD exam, the immediate change in living on my own and moving back home (thanks mom and dad!), the long days as an intern to the long summer sun days (that's not so bad!)...call it whatever you want. The end of my summer picked up as I went on a road trip with my gal Sam Thorpe. The mountains we climbed, physically and metaphorically, brought me to a halt. At the top of a mountain (or five) my mind would blank out and all I could do was stare in a haze at the earth around me. It was beautiful. My life is beautiful and it reminded me of my made up phrase at the beginning of the internship, you have to choose to keep on living.

I'm still working on finding inward peace and tranquility. I've enjoyed a relaxing summer at home and now we're approaching Autumn, another time when I feel nostalgic for the past...when don't I? I've got a sun kissed glow and I'm ready for apple cider, fall colors and crisp Autumn air. I'm still messy, scattered, goofy, spirited and strong but Messy Jessi's journey is now taking a different course of direction.

I'm very excited to announce to you all that with this blog ending, a new and improved blog/website has been created. My sister Kelsey helped me with all of the design work and I must say, it looks great!! I told you months ago that I would start one once I obtained my license as a Registered Dietitian and here it is... (Obligatory drumroll)...

www.Tastytabletopics.com

I'll let you venture around, leave comments or suggestions, email me and be apart of it from there.

I do hope you'll be apart of my new journey. I'm glad you've been apart of this one and I'm thankful for the readers who reached out to me and even the ones who didn't. You've made 2013 better than I thought possible. I wish you all the best in your own stories and I'll see you at the table.

Love..Always and forever,

J

Ch9: Juice, Coffee, or Tea

There's been a gap in between my posts as of late. There are a couple of reasons for that and they're quite simple and extremely convoluted at the same time. I've been trying to focus on studying and it's getting harder as I'm in the biochemistry section and that never really was my strong suit. I've been packing and moving things out of my apartment and while I filled my car to the max today there is still a large load of mostly furniture to take home. That's WITH cutting my items not necessarily in half but I have made more goodwill donations in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. It feels good to get rid of things that I just don't need and old papers and garbage that's weighing my life down.

yes, yes. It sounds SOO dramatic but whatever. I felt like I was suffocating a bit and sometimes I still feel like all of my old binders and note cards are going to creep up and smother me, but for now they seem to be safely locked up in old dresser drawers. Guess I really need to have a big bonfire in the near future.

Hyperbole and a half came back recently. Her new post that I keep seeing links to on Facebook brought me to tears and it would have brought me to my knees had I been standing. Mind you, I've mentioned before that I'm a crier but this post really hit spots that I didn't know I still had sticking out ready for arrows. She writes so charismatically and with such honesty and humor that it's hard to describe all of the feelings the post gave me. I don't know what a "reply" would be because there are many people commenting on her newest (and quite hilariously sad) post...and I'm left without words. I don't want to say and I know exactly why it's just hard to express.

I talk about fighting, having hope, finding peace...do I ever specifically say why? Not really. Or does there have to be a why? Definitely not. Quite honestly a lot of the time I don't know what I'm writing about or I don't know how to express feelings and so I try write and sometimes something awesome comes out and sometimes I look back on these little posts and think, "blah." It's weird that I can't express feelings or thoughts here clearly all the time because I can be a huge external processor, I'm doing it now. Other times, I'm an extreme introvert and most people go pfft, no you're not. I guess they don't think I am and I'm never trying to hide it but there has been some real satisfaction, safety and peace from living in my own apartment. Always having my own space to go back to and feel calm or act crazy to feel calm.

Again, external processing. Sometimes it's not my favorite quality about myself but I'm not about changing my qualities. I'm also happy to announce that a larger portion of why I've neglected writing in this blog as of late is because I am hitting the ground running with my upcoming blog....nope not telling you the title but I really think it's going to go somewhere. I'm going to make it go somewhere. I promise in that blog, however, most of the posts will be much shorter as this has been much more of a ramble blog. I'll call it a blamble. That's it. It's my blamble and if you've taken the time to read all of this you must like my blambling. At least enough to read through.

I loved (here I go changing subjects, yeesh) the part of Hyperbole's post about trying to make your face look appropriate to the conversation. I've experienced this too many times and sometimes my own attempts make me shake my head later and think what the hell?

Anywho. This post is now getting to my length where I'm thinking...much, much too long (though I think I hit that mark some 500 words ago). I like the Hyperbole (Allie) is giving people such an intimate look at her life and it's truly only a small nut of it. I don't know where to write from here. Like I said, I don't have words but when I find them...I'll take that juice and I'll lay them out. Until the glass is full, J.

Ch9: My favorite stories

Question #3 that all 20 somethings should ask themselves: "What are my favorite stories? What are your top three movies? Is there a common thread that runs through each story? If you want to see what matters most to you, look at the stories that resonate the closest."

So I'll go with their asking of what are my top three movies? Garden State, Muppet Treasure Island and Moonrise Kingdom.

Garden State: So much about this movie resonates close. When Sam wants to do one thing in the world that no one else has done and she makes this weird sound mixed with a movement because no one's ever done her individual sound. I know it's silly. This story is full of love and adventure and weirdness. "I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." I love that quote, but looking at this movie's plot I don't think that my life is like theirs but there are some definite pieces of this movie (like the big movement at the end) that really hit close to home.

Muppet Treasure Island: Uh...well I do love adventure! I seek pretty things and change and I sing to my life like Jim does in the movie. I also am slightly in love with Tim Curry.

Moonrise Kingdom: Young love. Elegant and simplistic. No questions, no second guesses, no uncertainty other than their future jobs...just young love and again adventure. Some of my favorite quotes from this are "I love you but you don't know what you're talking about," "That's a loaded question," "It's been proven by history: all mankind makes mistakes," and "We're in love, we just want to be together, what's wrong with that?" I'm a quoter or lover of quotes.

I do want to write more about these but I have a cover letter to finish. I suppose these are just a top three and main themes or things that matter most to me are taking risks, going on adventures and love. That sounds about right :) I like this. Until then, I think you've still got some lightening in you. -J

Ch9: And then I got a sunburn

Usually these stories end in, "and then I found five dollars." Not the case. What a long weekend. Albeit it didn't go according to plans but I'm so glad that my car broke down in Mount Pleasant and I had friends on standby ready to pick me up and help me out at a moment's notice. So the scoop. In short, I made it to Mount Pleasant and I was at a stoplight when I heard a large pop sound. I started to drive after the light turned green and a car behind me started honking and a runner near me started waving his arms and I looked back and saw smoke. Adrenaline came in quickly and I pulled into the next driveway I could. Haha this sounds so dramatic! I was nervous my car was going to set on fire but alas it was brake problems and the smoke eventually stopped. After waiting for the tow truck and sitting outside a little longer...I got a bad sunburn lol. We all just had to laugh about my day later. Sometimes laughter is the only way to make it through. It honestly was a really fun weekend but I'm glad to have finally made it home for a bit. I don't know if the guy at Las Senorita could tell it was a rough Friday but at least I got a free margarita out of the deal. Thank you again to Rachell and Christian for giving me places to stay and cable to watch along with netflix, laughter, porch talks, late nights, a comfy couch...all of the above. It was their weekend before exams and I'm so glad I got to spend it with them. Thank you to their roommates for also housing me :)

Moving forward. Or trying. I started looking at jobs again and honestly just didn't feel like searching but I did. I just want to study for the exam and I want to know where I'm going. If anyone has suggestions for a car that I'm going to buy, like a new one and not a previously owned, I appreciate suggestions :) Currently, there are a few types I'm looking at but if you don't know this about me I'm not super duper car savvy. So help a sister out.

That's a big move. Buying a car. Moving to a new location and I don't know where I'm going exactly. There are areas I'd like to be in (cough Grand Rapids) but there's no guarantees. I have no idea where to go and what to do. That's kind of funny huh? I'm a grad student and guess what? I still don't know what I'm doing all the time. That's cool though, I think we're all in the same ocean no matter what boat we're in.

So. Moving. Car shopping. Job searching. Leaps of faith.

"Sometimes the only available form of transport is a leap of faith." Sam sent this to me and it happened to be after a workout that was much needed and it just made me tear up :) There have been a lot of feelings being felt this last week and weekend and now that I'm home they're spilling over. It's okay but seeing that quote gave me some strength that I really needed and it also restored some faith that I am still deciding what to do with. What do you really need in life right now? Have you thought about it lately? I have. I know what I want (well kind of) and I know what I think I need and what I want to need and what I need to want. Welp. I will continue hopefully tomorrow with the 20 something's question list as they were good writing prompts. Until then. If the only transport is leaps of faith, I hope you'll leap with me. -J

Ch9: 20 Somethings Question Two

Question #2: Who inspires me the most?

Answer: Well, it's certainly not that my family and closest friends don't inspire. They inspire me daily. They motivate me and they trust me and as far as I'm concerned they're the best there is. I'm going to answer this one with characters/people who are yeah more celebrity like but whatevs. Here goes.

Jillian Michaels - Okay who saw that one coming? I know a few of you did. I've read her story and background multiple times in books and magazines, I love (most) of her podcasts and her workouts / training strategy just gets into me better than other ones. She inspires me to never settle for second best and to always go for first. She reminds me not to let what's happening inside play into what's happening on the outside. She inspires me to do things NOW. "Now, now, NOW" she screams in one of her videos. If not now, when? See what I did there? So. She inspires me.

Movies - That's not really a "who" but certain movies like Perks of Being a Wallflower, CenterStage, Moonrise Kingdom, Hunger Games (eh, book was better), Harry Potter, Garden State and so many others in my opinion are part of what's shaped me into who I am today. Is that goofy? Maybe? I don't care, it's the truth. When I'm watching movies sometimes I get so into them and they get so into my head they make me feel like my thoughts are going to burst with imagination, hope, wonder, excitement, all of the above! I love having my imagination and I love that during both half marathons I wore my Hunger Games Mockingjay pin I got as a gift not to long ago. It stays with me and I really don't care how dorky it is. When running in those half's, I thought a few times...katniss ran without water nd people were hunting her down to kill her, you can keep running. Haha. Anywho so that's that :)

Nature - It inspires me to breathe and seek new opportunities whenever possible. At the beginning of the year (School year) I wrote a note to myself to say "yes" to more. To not just stay in my apartment but rather say yes to trying new things, going on random trips, and moving. It's been a great change of pace and though I feel like I'm usually a "yes" sayer, it's been a different kind of movement this internship year. Sometimes saying yes hasn't been the best choice, but I said yes and I went forth and moved from there.

Reading about Writing about Food: About about about...lol It has been so exciting for me to have time to read each day..even if it's just a chapter here or there. I've been reading about Food Writing and how to break into the business. I'm so excited for my stack of 7 odd food writing/food related/food psychology books to read that I may stop typing up this post now just to go squeeze some more quality book time in. They have inspired me to learn more about Food writing and to take my professional career on a road that I never saw before.

That's all she wrote, for now. Daily life inspires me, sometimes saddens me, sometimes angers me. It all depends on the perspective you take every single day in every single moment. Get inspired, J.

Ch9: The questions for all 20-somethings

Don't worry I'm not answering them all right now, here is the link to go to the site yourself with the questions. Samantha sent them to me recently and I think they are questions worthy of answering during my ripe age of 22. I'll only answer one per post but these definitely provide at least some spice to this robot writing style I feel like I've had for the last couple of days.

Question 1: Do the people I'm surrounded by bring me life?

Answer: Mostly. I have definitely had my trials and errors with people and friends going way back to Middle school and High school. There are certain friendships, with girls or guys, that I have needed to ask myself, "Why?" I know, I know. It sounds cruel but if, as the prompt/question states, leaving hanging out with your friends leaves you feeling anxious, there's a problem. Friendships should not bring on anxiety, yes they all have their bumps and sometimes you need to evaluate yourself in the situation but in general your friends should bring you happiness and good cheer, real advice, honesty and trust. All of those things tie into being a good person and a good friend. This is a harder question for me to ask myself right now because in all honesty there are a select few friends in my life that know me. They know who I am, they understand where I'm at and they fuel my future if you will. I have many facebook friends that I care for but we are not close to the point where we text or call or skype and that's okay. They are extremely important to me as well. I guess it's good to ask yourself where toxicity is coming from and is it a friend? Sometimes you don't even know it until you ask yourself this question or until you are asked about it by other people/friends. No, this doesn't mean I'm deleting anyone in my facebook world just because we're not as close and they don't know the intimate parts of my life. But this does mean that those who are my friends, know it and the ones that I know are not true friends, well, I know it. Make any sense? Please dont' go analyzing my writing in this prompt and wonder "Is it me she's talking about" "Am I her good friend" "I THOGUHT WE WERE FRIENDS BLAH BLAH BLAh" C'mon. I'm just writing in a general fashion and think that yes, in my twenties and probably throughout life, I should surround myself with people who bring me life. Sometimes even those who don't surround me bring me life. Take it to heart, friends, I love you all very much. -J

Ch9: There's something greater

It's something bigger than the "why" for our existence. It's greater than energy and force. It's heavier. It's because of love. It's not the why. It's not the how or who, what, where and when. It's bigger and it's because of love.

Watch:

Check out this video and see what you think. I think I've said it before but my life is...or everything that I am, I am only because I love. I don't like the title being, "your homework is to watch this and not cry," No. Cry if you want to. But your homework is to care. Love, J.

Ch9: The day I forgot to eat.

The end. Today was such a funny but nice day. My foot hurts but the ice and wrap and little bit of medicine is making walking a bit better. I slept in till the lovely hour of 6:30 am. Schmitty decided that is when she wanted her food and she was going to get it! Don't worry, I went back to bed and dozed in and out of sleep till about 10...it felt heavenly. I hadn't felt like I had a day for so long to actually sleep and say, "yes I will hit that snooze button one more time" without guilt. So I snoozed. Attempted to start cleaning my apartment, found that my landlords did not throw away my moving/packing boxes and then I remembered to eat. Yup, I know it had only been 2 hours since I'd woken but I figured I should probably eat something now. A sweet potato was my choice. I eventually went to the Bay City Library to start studying for the RD exam with Aby. Our director gave us a guide and as we work through it, well, without details it's simply going to take a long time to go through it all. Then memorize calculations for the foodservice portions and then take practice tests...ugh. BUT one step at a time. Slow and steady will win the race and we're starting now which is the best possible thing. The way this works is accountability which I've found, being held accountable is one of my optimal ways of getting something done. I think I've always known that but the recent accountability I have going on with Aby and Sam(uel) is helping quite a bit. Anywho. After studying my foot really ached but I remembered once again, hmm, I should eat something but that didn't actually happen until 7:00pm. So eating was off for me today. I'm only sharing it with you because I literally laughed when I realized all I had eaten (until my late dinner) was a potato. Lol. It's goofy. There are a lot of goofy things happening in life right now. I don't have much more that I care to share at this moment just know it's time to wear anklets and I'll leave you with this one, "Destiny is not a matter of chance -- it is a matter of choice. It is not something to be waited for, but rather something to be achieved." Don't wait, J.

Ch9: Fire away

Sometimes I'm left without words. I had a stupendous weekend with many highs and only a few lows. Friday was long and got my mind thinking a lot about the coming changes and the future things that are happening. First and most importantly, the RD exam is number one priority aside from cleaning my apartment / making it even simpler than before. I decided fairly last minute that I was 100% certain about running the Chip River Half Marathon as a farewell to CMU. I didn't get to bed early and after I woke up at 5:00am to some lovely surprises, I had to give up trying to sleep a little longer. Thank you again Kenzie for being awake :) The half marathon I ran was good and bad:

--> This race is small. I'm going to get lost. I'm fueled by negative energy I'm trying to make positive. I hope it works.

--> I'm running at a 9:16 minute pace. That is weird, but feels great! Look at me go!

--> Mile 7: My foot doesn't feel good anymore. Where's the water?

--> Mile 13.5: Why is the finish line farther than it should be? I'm there! Woo, thank goodness!

--> Nom a bagel and meet Aby in the parking lot and drive off to Grand Rapids. Which is good because at that point I didn't think I could walk anymore.

We met up with Ben and his friend Nick and enjoyed meals at Marie Catribs, time at the tea shop, touring the secret garden (Thanks Nick!), sitting around and scored a table at Hop Cat to enjoy some fine beers for the evening. We slept in the room I can't name on this blog but there's a story there so it's all good. Ben made us a delicious lunch and Aby and I finished listening to 50 Cent's autobiography on the way back to Mount Pleasant. The sunshine was so warm the car ride made me sleepy, it was nice to feel the sun shine on my skin again! I got Froyo with Rachell and then we went to our favorite places in the world... Target and the Ready Center. My foot, as I described hurting above, was killing me to walk on. The doctor said there was a good bit of inflammation in the x-ray so it seems as though it's a foot sprain or small stress fracture. I'll be diligent and follow healing protocol. I didn't do anything on my to-do list except get the stress that I'm feeling out of my system via venting. That's a lie, I watched Big Bang Theory and that was on my to-do list.Other than that I'm starting Chapter 9 which will occur throughout my study time period for the RD exam. For this chapter I do not, as of right now, intend to write each day. I'm unemployed so I have time, but I need to use my time efficiently and skillfully. Divided up between studying, eating, p90x-ing, not running for a bit :( and reading/researching information about future avenues. This chapter is going to be a page turner I think, so stay with me. And as always, make sure you think before you act. The fighter, J.

Ch8: Pg14/15: "I feel infinite"

Graduation. Well, no. That's a lie. Graduation was stupendous. I felt like the day flew away from me and that I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. My family came in for lunch at the Brass Cafe! It was soo delicious! My dad had one of the best beers I've ever tasted in my life and I'll have to ask him for the name later. I had a potato and cabbage soup followed by a Goat cheese, walnut, dried cherry, apple flat bread. So. good. We walked around the CMU bookstore after that and mom bought me an alumni sweatshirt :) I know I graduated with my BS in Dietetics last year so I've been an alum but now it feels even better to have the internship under my belt and in the past. The graduation ceremony was fun and meeting various family members of my fellow interns was fun as well. Following graduation I mulled around Mount Pleasant and eventually got together with Rachell for a HUGE drink at Hunters. We didn't expect the drinks to be that large haha. I slept in today which was beautiful and got breakfast/brunch with Aby and her mom Kyle. Thank you again! A lazy afternoon...looking for jobs ugh. I went to the gym though and it felt amazing to do a really good heart pumping workout and get a good sweat. It helped clear my mind. "I don't want to write about..." Is a prompt I've done before and I'm doing it tonight because there's a lot of weight coming down on me now that the internship is over. Yes, I'm so happy it's over and I'm so happy to move to the next chapters...However..those chapters are all over the place. So I don't want to write about moving and transporting my apartment life to elsewhere. Id on't want to write about jobs. I don't want to write about grad school starting in May. It'll change. This too shall pass. It's just the weight of everything coming down post internship and that's okay. It's okay :) and I'm okay. I'm so happy my family was able to come to graduation and my sister Kenz sent me an edible arrangement which was so awesome!!! AND tasty! My mom and dad got me a really lovely card and my mom gave me beautiful infinity earrings. She wrote, "Wear when you're feeling infinite." They made me smile and feel so happy. I'm wearing them now, J.

Ch8:Pg13: Live by your Ethics

"I believe that anything you truly want to do and set your mind to and devote your time to would be a worthy and beautiful cause," I said to my dear friend who wants to make a difference. Just know that the evil/bad will always, always try to sneak in between the cracks no matter what we do. It's about power. It's about having power and showing others what they can do with it. Be a good kind of power. It's also about how we react to it and how we fight back that counts (as if you don't already know that) but if you want to do something, do it. If you feel like you can't, you can. I felt helpess I wanted to fly help but I logistically I can't do that. I wore a race shirt the following day and though it doesn't "do" anything it is my way of saying this was wrong and I'm not sure how yet to make a difference and be a powerful and positive force on this world. This is one small thing I can do. This weekend I'm running another half marathon (run with me if you like), I wanted to run in a shirt that says Boston Strong or something...it's small..it's silent and I dont do it for me but for the fact that this is how I can reach to them right now, it's small but I want to reach. I want to reach. Darryl Hannah said tonight, "live by your ethics." Yes. Live by your moral compass and be hope, be strength and be the good.

That's beautiful

Just remember when you don't feel like you're making a difference, you're wrong. You can make changes and you can do things no matter how small you feel about them. If you're good, than you're half way there. Live by your ethics. It's about power struggles, be a good kind of power.

It's not about guns. It's about power.

Ch8:Pg12: Fword

I had a very sleepy day. It got better when I got to spend my evening babysitting three awesome kids. We played on the trampoline and I forgot how much fun that can be! Thank goodness for safety netting when you're jumping with three young boys and a three year old who would have flown off said trampoline multiple times without the net. I'm tired though. Today was my second to last day of the whole fucking internship. Excuse my language but if you've got a bit of an understanding of what this whole thing has meant to me, you'll understand that my language was warranted. Tomorrow is a celebration leading into graduation on Thursday and my family is coming and I'm running another half marathon this weekend and I'm going to bed. I want the post that caps the internship to be a solid one therefore I'm letting you know you may not see a post tomorrow. It's going to be a long but exciting day :)

Ch8:Pg11: Finding strength in tragedy.

I don't have a word bank in my back pocket to describe how I feel about the tragedy. It's horrific and terrifying. I simply don't understand why things like this happen in our world. It doesn't truly matter how I personally feel about the bombing. It matters that I pray and send positive energy and healing words and thoughts to everyone affected by today's events. While I do wish at times that I had cable and could watch the news, I'm thankful because I don't ever enjoy the media spins on it. I've seen enough for now. I've heard enough. I want to do enough and I hope to figure out how. I'm in shock. A race this weekend changed my life. Another race today has changed the nation's life. It's shaken us and we are in utter horror of the events. We have to stay strong and hold on to one another a little tighter tonight and yes every night. Just as the movie theater shootings happened over the summer, just as the school shootings happened months ago...these tragedies rise but we will and need to rise above them. My heart races with everyone tonight. Praying and fighting. I am here to take a stand. -J.

Ch8: Half Marathon Accomplished. You want to read this one.

I will do my very best to describe everything that happened with the half-marathon. I'm still riding the extreme rollar coaster of emotions from it all and it is a hell of a ride.

5:45 A.M. - Eyes shoot open with the alarm clocks going off and I feel like I didn't sleep the whole night but I'm extremely jittery and wide awake. Kelsey said, "Ready to get ready?" "UH. Yes."

6:15 A.M. - Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Please for the love of pete let me poop this morning so I don't have to go during the run.

6:35 A.M. - (Approximately). To Kelsey, "I POOPED!" I was pretty stoked about this and now I was feeling pretty stellar. I ate a banana covered in peanut butter and jame wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla.

6:40 A.M. - I have to pee. I need more water. Maybe I'll drink some gatorade. I have to pee again.

6:50 A.M. - We get in the car and THEE perfect song came on the radio, "Just Give Me a Reason," Kelsey and I belted it out and parked in a GVSU lot and headed / skipped / nervously speed walked over to the bag check in.

7:00 A.M. - I have to pee. There's a lot of women here! This is great!

7:15 A.M. - Is it really snowing / raining right now? Glad I brought my gloves.

7:30 A.M. - Pictures! Hugging! Jumping! Kelsey, "Do not sprain your ankle right now." Cease Jumping.

7:35 A.M. - I have to pee again. Thank goodness for very clean and a large number of port-a-potties.

7:40 A.M. - I need to pee one more time.

7:45-50 A.M. - Line up! Kels and I walked to where her friend Michelle was pacing at the 10:30 pace and towards the :50 time slot I moved up to the 10:00 minute pacer group. Kelsey headed forward and my body started doing funny things as the adrenaline started pumping. I put my head phones in. I heard a lot of cheering and watched the clock.

7:59 A.M. - It'll be over in two hours. You can do this. You've done it. I wrote on facebook, "Stay with me." Please just stay came into my mind and I said it repeatedly.

8:00 A.M. - Hit play and stay with the pacers. My music was loud and I did start the race with U2 Beautiful Day. I started the race with my mom and my grin was unfrownable.

8:10 A.M. - Mile one..Woo! This isn't so bad at all!

8:12 A.M. - It's hailing. It's cutting my face. Ouch. Fuck it! The edge, the edge, the edge. I pump my fist into the air. Bring it weather.

Miles 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 went well. Those who were with me through song got me through the first half and then we circled a baseball field and I knew we were half way through, well almost.

Mile 7 - Okay, glad I have my ClifShot Blocks. I just swallowed half of one whole though. Oh god no choking allowed. Is the pace group speeding up? I'm going to stay here.

Mile 8 - My energy is back up thank you carbohydrates and water stations.

Mile 9 - I have to pee. Just four .1 miles to go...

Mile 10, 11 - Whoever was with me during these miles pushed me to not stop. I was close, I was staying at a very even pace, my heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest. No frowning.

Mile 12 - Oh I am out of this pace group. I sped forward knowing I had 1.1 miles left of this beast and I was going to finish with a bang. I sped up while my personal pick song came on, "Shots." Then my final song "Iris" came into play and I knew it was time to sprint. I started picking up more and more speed.

Mile 13 marker - FULL SPEED AHEAD. I blew past other runners and could hear people cheering around me. The finish line is right there I went faster and faster. I got the runner's high and my body went numb as I cried, put my hands in the air and crossed the line that meant my race was all over. I started having (I'm not kidding) an out of body experience and suddenly the accumulation of everything I've been working for came to a halt and I looked up at the finish line and smiled.

13.1 Miles - I did it. The songs I listened to throughout this run carried me through. Each time my mind drifted towards, slow down or no one said you had to run this fast kind of thoughts...I thought of who was with me in that moment and it gave me fight. It gave me desire to not quit, not once. This journey I started on December 31st has changed me in so many ways. I couldn't believe everything I trained for all of the work I put in was over in 2 hours 10 minutes and 1 second (My time). I ran at a 9:55 minute pace and beat any goal I had for this race. The race honoring women, the 40th anniversary of Title IX and Gazelle Sport's commitment to making West Michigan the nation's healthiest region was over now and I a changed and better woman because of it. It saved me in so many ways. This internship and this year and 2012 and life and moving and every change that's been happening has tried to knock me to my knees. Every time I hit the ground and ducked from incoming baggage or fears, doubts, worries and stresses just reminded me that I had to live. I had to move to live on in ways and through times I didn't know how to navigate. That's the beauty of my navigating. You don't always know where you're going, but when you get to certain places you know you were going the right way the whole time. Stay with me, this one's not over yet. -J.

Ch8:Pg10: More love, more thanks, just more.

After my post last night I've had a surge of more songs to add to my list and people I'd love to recognize. Let me also add a thank you to people who have been sending me encouraging messages or even messages on my facebook about my blog and how it has made them smile or how they thought what I said was nice. That all being said I'd like to ask mother nature to be kind tomorrow although the forecast isn't looking too bright. However, as my Sam said to me, "You can turn off the sun but [you're] still gonna shine." Thank you Sam :) I'm so excited. Okay. Thank yous :)

I just can't wait to be king: You've listened to me and have always given me sound, mature advice that I appreciate so much. You're my go to when I'm questioning faith and want to talk religion and you've never let me down. I miss you being at CMU and I miss asking you to play that card activity with me to see where I'm at in life. Thank you for being an older brother and taking care of me, I'll never forget the wonderful memories we have and I'll never forget my freshman year at MSU and you rescued me. Thank you for everything.

Party in your bedroom: Can I throw up in your center counsel? Please? You inspire me. I've said that to other people, I know, but truly you are someone who devotes yourself to your beliefs. You devote your life, mind, body, spirit everything and it just astonishes me. You're unbeatable, you make me want to be better. Thank you for being my friend, yes, I need to get you a pillow pet still!!

Monster by Kanye / I believe in a thing called Love: Your my punkin. I love you to pieces and am so so glad you're in my life. You've never failed to bring a smile to my face, you make me laugh, you are a devoted and trustworthy friend and I have loved seeing you perform. You light up any stage you're on and I just want you to know that I expect onions for my birthday this year lol! I love you punkin.

Stronger, B. Spears: I miss you. I miss having both of my sisters near me at all times but words cannot describe how happy I am for you that you have the person of your dreams as your fiance. It brings me joy and peace to know that you are so happy where you are and that he's there to protect and love you always. I have always looked up to you, you're the reason I joined guard and you're my strength. I love you and I hope to drive to you this summer :)

Talk on Indolence: I am going to have a ball when this song comes on. Know what memory comes to mind? Well, a lot do but one in particular. Playing catch phrase. What does Jessi do all the time? You say, "CRY." LoL! I love that moment and I love that you're in my life. You've been there with me through some of the toughest times I've experienced, you bring out the beaker in me and I'm eternally grateful for that. I love you and thank you for being my Kitchen.

Carry Me Home: My gossip girl. I don't know where I would be without you. "I think this is it." "This is totally it." You bring me laughter, you've kept me sane during this internship, you always know what to say and you have dinner with me over skype. You've helped me seek a simpler life and you inspired me to become vegetarian. I can't ask for more, except that we both study and pass that exam in one try. I love you, xoxo J.

Workin for the Weekend: Yes, I will imagine you running with me in neon short shorts with that big happy grin on your face. I love you and want you to know that when you told me to never stop doing art, it stuck. I never want to lose that part of me and thanks to you I won't. I forgive you for spraying me with that ice cold water, just know that I'm stronger than you. I also loved the time we got to dance together :)

Return to Innocence: As I recently had to let you know, you've inspired my work toward inner peace. You inspire me to fight through every hardship and have made me into a better person because of it. We all have stories and I am so tremendously thankful that you are in mine. Thank you.

Thank you again to everyone who is sending me songs. My list is pretty full but if anyone has anything else they'd like to send please let me know. Tomorrow is the big day and I can't even contain half of the emotions I'm feeling toward it. Just wait until I start training for the full :) Tomorrow I do it with my heart wide open. I love you, all of you. J

Ch8:Pg9: Half marathon play lists / thank you's

The half marathon is in TWO DAYS. Two days readers. I am thrilled and excited and of course a tiny bit nervous but mostly I'm just excited. This semester has been difficult not only because of the internship but I added the training to the mix, I've battled demons and dragons and gosh..a lot has been going on this year. I want to take this post to write to those who have sent me a song for my half marathon play list. I'm so excited to listen to it and think of you all! If you haven't sent me a song yet, don't fret, you still can! You can also send encouraging texts or tweets or photos or phone calls or whatever you want. Plus if you didn't get to send me a song, maybe I've added one about you or maybe songs that people have sent me will remind me of a group of people as well. You're with me and that means a lot. So here it goes: (Songs may not be played in this order) (p.s. I'm not going to remind people of names here, if you sent me a song you'll know which one you've sent)

Eye of the Tiger: You, my dear, are pure joy. You're always so fun to talk to and be around and I miss you terribly. Thank you for this song (I must add that this song is also one that my dad would choose so it's a double whammy!) and thank you for being an incredible girl. Dad- You've never told me I couldn't do something, you always tell me how proud you are of me and I love you every day and more because of it. I know you've loved me longer because you've "Known" me longer, but I love you, thank you for being the John Wayne, the Rocky Balboa and all those other good guy winners in my life.

The Edge: You're a phenomenal person. You're going places and you mean so much to me. I know we haven't talked in a touch and I know we're both busy but know that this song makes me grin from ear to ear and having you with me in this moment is all I can ask. Thank you.

Girls & Boys: We've known each other for 17 or 18 years...you're my girl that I can depend on to be there no matter the distance we're facing and no matter where we're at in our lives, we can still catch up, hang out, sit on our computers, rock it out to Good Charlotte and remember the times of driving in your big van. I love you DRE. :) I know you hate me for that, thank you for giving me knee advice and being you :) I love you and thank you.

Beautiful Day: Mom- This song brings me to tears because it reminds me of how happy I am to have such a wonderful mother in my life. You're my inspiration, you've taught me to become the woman I am today, you've listened to every single sad or happy thing I've had to share and you've never let me down. I can't say enough how much you and dad mean to me, you're my solid foundation for hope, love and joy. I love you, yes, yes. Thank you :)

Marmalade Boy theme: My sister from another mister? Haha I think when I listen to this I will be thinking of our crazy laughters, our nights of staying up late watching this series, making sailor moon videos, dancing together, and just being amazing siblings even if not by blood. I'm so proud of you, you're going to be incredible at whatever you go towards in life and like I said, you can take my blood anytime. Thank you for being my little sister and for brining me laughter :) I love you, thank you.

Glamorous: Thank you for this particular song because it fits so well with the gazelle girl theme! I AM glamorous and you have reminded me of my own strength and beauty and drive :) I love the three twin lake mothers that I got to see dance together at Matt's wedding. Thank you for this song, thank you :)

Fearless by The Bravery: This song moves me :) You are such a wonderful stupendous amazing person and I'm so glad I got to be apart of your freshman year as your RA. You've become an RA yourself and I'm so proud of you. You're a great man and I am so glad you're running with me during this song. THank you.

Stronger: Not only have you given me a kick ass song, but also a kick ass card. You're a wonderful person and if I had the choice my kids (in the future) would have you as their teacher. You inspire me and are such a kind and caring hard worker and I can only imagine how much your students love you. Thank you :)

Don't you worry child: This is fitting :) How often have we talked to each other in times of need? In times of goofiness? You've been such a strong support in my life and I'm so glad to see where our friendship has lead us. I do take this song from both you and your incredible fiance and just want to say thank you for both being so wonderful to me and being there for me. It means the world to me. Thank you.

The Connection: I shake my head thinking "I'm stronger than you and Dan." You are by far one of the best people I have ever known and I am so lucky to call you my friend and to depend on you, lean on you, walk through meijer with you and more. Thank you for making my life better simply by being apart of it. You're incredible :)

All I need by Awolnation: Thank you for being such a wonderful person, so strong minded and so fun to be around. I know this year has drifted us and we've all graduated now but this song takes me back to our early years in Larzy when we decorated the halls or dressed up like the incredibles for hall council. Your creative mind and heart will always be your compass and apart of mine :) thank you.

FLCL theme/ Waka Waka: Awesome. I really wish I could leave it at that but I need to write more. You're my inspiration to always push farther and always seek more out of my life. I'm actually being moved to tears with this one because I've read the letter you wrote me this summer and am reminded of the strength you have provided me when I've been low. I love you x24 or maybe 25. Thank you.

Little Lion Man / Magic / Lion heart: Shepherd, I am eternally grateful I was an RA the time you came into the dorms, ahem, residence hall. I was your RA but more so a friend and that is very much who you are to me. A friend that I care for deeply, have been so happy to know and catch up with, and a friend that makes me smile :) You're wonderful, spirited and you've never been afraid to be yourself. I still have my gotcha letters from you, I'll keep them always, that and the Rhino poster :)

Iris: Girl. I can't even start because I don't know where to begin. Distance has been nothing against our friendship and if anything it has grown immensely because of it. You're my salsa fierce leader, my friend who knows about every emotion I've ever felt, and you have helped me grow and laugh and cry and you have never stopped fighting for me. I love you so much and across the water you will be with me this day and forever :) I can't wait for Acadia!

Footprints in the Sand: I'm going to cry when this song comes on. It gives me chills. I miss dancing you with you so terribly much. I love you and want you to know how much you mean to me. I'm so excited for your upcoming graduation, you've worked so hard and deserve the best in this life. We shall dance and dance again soon :) I love you, thank you

Crazy Bitch: My boo. My pooh. My crazy ass roommate. You and your big ass hair (emphasis on ass because you also have a BOOOOOTY that we love) and your crazy big heart...you know who you are to me and you know you're my snuggle buddy. I'm glad we were setin the same room in Larzy our freshman year...you and I have been through so many things and have held each other and made each other laugh when we least wanted to. I love you :) I miss you and I'm glad you finally downloaded skype.

Can't Hold Us: Mink Muff. I love our crazy antics and I love that we have had more hospital visits with each other than any other friends I know. You work so hard and still find time to make incredible home made meals, and pinterest projects and so much more. You're my mink muff, you bring me laughter, joy, peace, and accidents because well lets face it, whenever we're together something happens...but I would not have it any other way. Thank you for being with me today and always.

I can go the distance: My vent buddy. My let's sing disney songs together. My friend who had so many amazing talks and walks with me. I'll never forget our base ball field walk in the winter and solid feet or so of snow. You are someone who I hold so close to my heart and wish you all the best with your future :) I miss you, we need icecream at the casino again and hopefully more walks and talks. Thank you for this song, thank you for being in my life and for always believing in me.

Fighter by gym class heroes:YOU and your beautiful smile, amazing hugs and cheerful disposition made my last year as an RA even that much better. I'm so excited that you sent me this song. I still keep the notes you wrote me during last year and I just hope to get a great big hug from you again soon. Thank you :)

Calle Ocho- Pitbull: I love it. HUH? That will never get old to me! This song is such a pump up awesome song! You inspired me as my desk manager all those years ago and you continue to inspire me today. Thank you for being such a positive person in my life and I am SO happy for you to be marrying your best friend. You two are unstoppable and I have a feeling when this song comes on I'll be running / shaking it because this is one of my favorite dance songs :)


Phew. Those are the specifics folks. The following songs are also in the mix: Sweet Disposition, Forever Young, Sit Down By the Fire, and Shots. Each of these songs also are important to add to my list but the above were ones specifically given to me. To any and all of you, thank you. You bring me happiness, you've made a challenging and scary year into an incredible one. Please come out to the Half marathon if you can, I'd love to see you there just be careful as you likely get a sweaty hug.. Cheers, JG.

Ch8:Pg8: I can't make the sun shine.

What day is it? Oh it's Wednesday. Today was a looooonnnnnggg day. I could have slept in because I didn't have to go to my rotation today but instead needed to complete many tasks in the morning and go to Saginaw for class with the other interns. Finally got to see my girl Aby and eat Qdoba with her and then we sat in the Saginaw center from 12:00 till about 7:00. It was a long day. Luckily I got a paper mostly done that I'm going to finish up here but here's where I'm going today with this post. "No one comes close to you, Jessi." I received this from Kenzie Guest last night and saw it this morning in a facebook message. Kaiti Blundy wrote me today letting me know that she was going to vote for me as "Most likely to live in larzy forever" because my spirit is still there. These two things have moved me to tears and really made me smile and cry at the same time. Happy tears, readers. I've written about my time as an RA and I've said before that it has been part of me that will live on forever. I will always be an "RA" and to be reminded of impacts I've made in people's lives or having my spirit and energy live on in a place that I've had to move away from is so wonderful. It truly gives me peace in my heart that despite hardships experienced especially during that final RA year, I was still the RA I always meant to be. I still tried to bring sun shine when there was a lot of rain. It's what I've always tried to do. I remember writing earlier in the start of the internship about how I felt like a cloud loomed around me from time to time. The cloud was a storm I got caught in and felt like it would never subside. I'm not saying clouds still don't follow me like they do everyone else but I have found a small peace in creating my own sun and choosing to keep living in a certain way because it is who I am. What the hell does that mean? I'm still fighting, I'm still there for people, I was and will always be the RA I sought out to be, I will always love to love and the clouds might follow me and there are storms I haven't been able to weather but that's life. It's beautiful. I can't make the sun shine, but I promised to try. -J

Ch8:Pg7: Sleepy Jessi + Nyquil Jessi + COOL

Too tired..too many things to do still..too much sleep needed. Sleep wins. Nyquil wins. Short post. Half marathon this Saturday. FUCKYEAH. Goodnight.

Ch8:Pg6: In the Spring we made a boat

I guess all of the water and tea...and orange juice I drank yesterday paid off. I'm not feeling 100% but I'm getting there. Today marks the second to last Monday of the internship. Isn't that crazy? It's insane and exciting and basically ALL OF THE EMOTIONS. On that note, Hyperbole and a Half is finally going to have a book out there. I emailed her personally (side note: go to that blog if you've never read through it) stating how excited I was to pre-order her book and how happy it made me to see it. It gave me hope, I told her. Her last blog post titled, "Adventures of Depression" is one that I read over and over again. It helps me understand and it helps me cope. It helps me believe and it helps me have hope and no I didn't mean to rhyme, sometimes that just happens. Sometimes, things just happen and it's not that you did something wrong, it just happened. Remember my journey to inner peace? I think sometimes I'm getting closer though I believe it's going to be a lifelong adventure. Undoubtedly, harder times are coming and with certainty more beautiful times are coming as well. With the internship wrapping up there are a lot of loose ends to trim and a lot of things to resolve. There's moving to consider, job hunting, studying, test taking, freedom?, writing and asking myself the tough questions about what I want to do and where I want to go. I keep a word document on my desktop called "Where am I going and what the hell am I doing?" I like to write in there my ideas for future jobs, certifications, future ideas, apartments/homes to live in, and other small things that get me giddy about the future. I put inspire music in there to help me when I have absolutely no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing anymore. If you haven't seen Jenna Marbles whiteboard drawing video, you need to look it up asap. One thing I have become sure about is that I'm writing a book. I think I've mentioned this but I've got a thesis in the development stages and the plans and brainstorms happening. That moleskin I bought a few weeks ago contains the title of said book and the beginning stages of a journey I never in a million years thought I would consider taking but this leap of faith is one I'm set on. But hey, things will keep changing and we all have stories. Never, ever, forget that we're all human beings and we should care about one another no matter what. "So hold on, hold on to what we are and hold onto your heart." J

Ch8: Weekended: I'm a goat.

Let me tell you what happens when I get sick. I generally get this cough that to me sounds like mix of the screaming goat and a goose honk. It's long, it hurts my chest, and it comes out of no where. It started Friday night and Saturday was fine, no coughing even during my 6 mile run. I got back from that, however, and barely made it out to buy frozen vegetables which I was craving. I'm not sure if I'm craving frozen things again because my iron level is lower than normal but man I cannot get enough of those vegetables. Anywho, so here's what happened this morning and what happens in general when I get sick. 1) I get snuggly and I want cuddles. 2) I don't want people too close for too long if snuggling because I'll get hot and cranky. 3) My chest hurts, bad. I felt this morning as though someone sat on my chest all night long and if I breathe in too deeply I'll split it open. I used to get bronchitis so badly that my chest bones rubbed together, said my pediatrician. 4) I want to sleep and can't fall asleep. 5) I want to drink every fluid I can even orange juice. 6) I hate orange juice, especially with pulp. 7) I want blankets and then I throw them off and then I want them again. 8) I don't like to take dayquil but I know it helps so I'll do it sometimes like today (especially since the half marathon is this Saturday). 9) I love Nyquil. It's not always a good thing. 10) I do odd things like cut my nails and pluck my eyebrows. 11) I want soup and usually can't finish it. 12) I want to whine and complain and then have someone make me laugh. 13) I don't want to laugh too hard because it turns into my cough. 14) I want my comfy clothes but I change them throughout the day. 15) I want vicks vapor rub. 16) I want someone to just talk me to sleep. These are the things that happen when I get sick. Not always in that order but that's how I'm feeling right now. Something I have learned about living on your own is that you need to be okay with taking care of yourself at all times. Did I feel like going grocery shopping? No. Did I feel like making meals for the week? No. Did I want to make my own soup and boil water for endless amounts of tea and do this all by myself? Nope. But guess what? That's life and if you can't do it on your own then you need to start practicing. I'm eager to feel better so I'll be going to bed as early as possible tonight. The half marathon is this Saturday...I am stoked. I'm going to be somewhat busy this week but that's a good thing as I want the week to go by quickly for too many reasons and I'll share them with you as the days come and go.